there is hope

this week i've been battling the all-too-familiar balancing act of emotions. maybe you know what i'm talking about... the one where you're experiencing such drasticly different feelings at times and struggling with knowing what to feel, how to feel and when exactly to feel it.

you see, life has been good lately. better than good actually. i'm at such peace with where i am physically... i mean i lost 33% of my body weight. sure, i wish i had a flat stomach but i really can't complain when i look at how far i've come. and then i have this incredible man in my life who manages to make me feel special every single day. the joy runs deep there.

i could go on and on about the beautiful moments in the last week alone, but in the midst of all that there has also been the slam of the harsh reality of life... and the fragility of it. on Saturday a student in a class i facilitate and teach through my church passed away unexpectedly. it was shocking to say the least. days before that 2 of our other students each lost a parent (one a mother and one a father). the weight of loss has been heavy. over the weekend i found myself in 'push forward' mode. by monday i was emotionally exhausted. being alone for the first time in days, for an extended period of time, allowed me to finally connect with the emotions that i had tried to bury and the tears came... and came... and came. i needed that release. i needed to feel it. to express it.

i realized what i had been battling all weekend was confusion over what i should be feeling. on one hand there was sadness for those suffering and for lives lost... and on the other there was joy as i spent most of the weekend with jeff (celebrating his birthday in fact). when i felt sad i felt guilty for not feeling happy. and when i felt happy i felt guilty for not feeling sad. i don't know why i put such pressure on myself to identify with one emotion or the other...

i was sharing all of that with my mom last night and she encouraged me that it was ok to feel both ways and that God often brings us beautiful, joy-filled moments in the midst of dark times to remind us that there is hope! so i'm doing my best to embrace whatever emotion comes my way and once again to be present wherever i am. i would appreciate your prayers for me and the other leaders as our class meets tomorrow night and we work to create a space where the students can process what has happened... and please pray for his family and girlfriend (also a student in the class) as this is obviously a very difficult time.

grace and peace,

 

this present season

i have a tendency to get ahead of myself sometimes... whether it's looking to the next big thing or wishing i was further along in my plans in life. so this has definitely been a season for me of learning to be present. to just enjoy where i am and who i'm there with. to slow down and enjoy the moments that so easily slip by. i suppose that's contributed to some of the blog silence lately, but i feel like there's so much to share with all of you!

so let's dive right in shall we?

the boyfriend
it'd be cruel to not make this first since i know some of you are dying to know the details about this one! a month ago i got setup on a blind date with jeff... we have lots of mutual friends and connections but ultimately it was my mom who got the ball rolling to get him my number. we had a great time and by the end of our first date he asked if we could hang out again... our 2nd date he cooked me dinner at my house and to sound as cliche as possible- the rest is history. he's smart and kind and funny and so very sweet and i am so thankful that God has put him in my life. the last month with him has been very healing for me in a lot of ways and i am just so happy! we made our relationship 'official' last weekend, announced it on facebook and can't do anything but laugh at everyone's excitement for us. it's been fun. and just another thing that God is teaching me to stay present in. the whole dating and getting-to-know-you process is special and i want to enjoy every moment!
*i feel like i should thank my 5yo niece kyra. remember this post? yeah that was almost exactly 1 month before i met jeff. her prayers worked!

weight loss
i officially hit my 70lb goal on april 2nd and have even lost a few more pounds since then. i stopped tracking on weight watchers about 2 months ago because i just got burnt out. i needed a break. i had done it for so long and i didn't want to hate it. the fact that i'm still losing makes me feel like i really get it now and i know what my body needs in order to lose and/or maintain. it's been very empowering! i'm wearing size 6's and smalls and i still do a double take when i see my reflection or pictures that people have taken of me. i've come a long way and i'm proud of all the hard work i put in to get myself to this place.

the house
back in january i posted some home goals for this year and i am happy to report that i can cross some items off the list! a month ago i had my deck put on the back of the house and i love it! it has been so lovely to have an outdoor space and i can't wait for the weather to continue warming up so i can enjoy it even more. i've added some cute outdoor furniture and lights and it's so cozy! yesterday they installed my front storm door which adds so much light to the front of the house. while they were doing all the work i also had them install the dimmer in the dining room which makes such a difference! i also got around to dusting the ceiling fan in the kitchen... still have to do the one in my bedroom but now that i got that pillowcase dusting trick down it should be no problem! now that all the construction mess is over maybe i can get around to making my collage wall?

family
many of you read my sister's blog so you might have heard about what my poppop is going through as he was just recently diagnosed with bone cancer. my sister's post expresses so well how we all feel about this so i will just say that prayers are appreciated in this season. he should be going home on hospice care this weekend and we're all hoping to enjoy whatever time we have with him. i love this photo that my sister took last september at the hospital when my nephew was born. it means so much to me now!

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thanks for reading my long update! no promises on getting better about updating this... too busy being present... but we'll see.

have a wonderful day!

grace and peace,

 

spring is in the air

i love spring. i love the new life literally bursting out of the ground each and every day. the way my city comes alive with people excited to be wearing short-sleeves. everyone seems friendlier and happier and it's just lovely.

it's crazy to me that it's almost easter and that lent is drawing to a close. i randomly gave up twitter and inadvertently ended up significantly reducing my online time which has been so refreshing. my google reader is getting really close to 1000 unread items and for the first time i don't have anxiety about that. my house is covered in a layer of dust due to construction happening here this week (a deck and a sliding door- yippee! more on that next week i hope!). again, normally the anxiety would be high. my house which is usually in almost-perfect order is a disaster. i figure i'll worry about it all when they're finished which should be today. anybody want to come help me clean tomorrow? pretty please?  :)

my house could use a good spring cleaning anyway. i'm strangely looking forward to it. haha!

i guess i'm just learning to let things go. everything can't be perfect all the time. they'll be crazy weeks filled with dust but also filled with surprising fun moments (like first dates!). just trying to embrace it all i suppose.

hope that you're all enjoying the beginning of spring and basking in the love of our Creator!

grace and peace,