there is hope

this week i've been battling the all-too-familiar balancing act of emotions. maybe you know what i'm talking about... the one where you're experiencing such drasticly different feelings at times and struggling with knowing what to feel, how to feel and when exactly to feel it.

you see, life has been good lately. better than good actually. i'm at such peace with where i am physically... i mean i lost 33% of my body weight. sure, i wish i had a flat stomach but i really can't complain when i look at how far i've come. and then i have this incredible man in my life who manages to make me feel special every single day. the joy runs deep there.

i could go on and on about the beautiful moments in the last week alone, but in the midst of all that there has also been the slam of the harsh reality of life... and the fragility of it. on Saturday a student in a class i facilitate and teach through my church passed away unexpectedly. it was shocking to say the least. days before that 2 of our other students each lost a parent (one a mother and one a father). the weight of loss has been heavy. over the weekend i found myself in 'push forward' mode. by monday i was emotionally exhausted. being alone for the first time in days, for an extended period of time, allowed me to finally connect with the emotions that i had tried to bury and the tears came... and came... and came. i needed that release. i needed to feel it. to express it.

i realized what i had been battling all weekend was confusion over what i should be feeling. on one hand there was sadness for those suffering and for lives lost... and on the other there was joy as i spent most of the weekend with jeff (celebrating his birthday in fact). when i felt sad i felt guilty for not feeling happy. and when i felt happy i felt guilty for not feeling sad. i don't know why i put such pressure on myself to identify with one emotion or the other...

i was sharing all of that with my mom last night and she encouraged me that it was ok to feel both ways and that God often brings us beautiful, joy-filled moments in the midst of dark times to remind us that there is hope! so i'm doing my best to embrace whatever emotion comes my way and once again to be present wherever i am. i would appreciate your prayers for me and the other leaders as our class meets tomorrow night and we work to create a space where the students can process what has happened... and please pray for his family and girlfriend (also a student in the class) as this is obviously a very difficult time.

grace and peace,

 

triple dipping

today i went to 3 churches.   :)

it started off with my home church this morning. the pastors and elders were so gracious in allowing me to share some of my heart regarding africa and the upcoming trip. they prayed over stephen and i and just sent us off with their blessing. overall it was a great service and i'm so thankful for that body of believers. i know they will keep us lifted in prayer and lord knows we need that!

after church stephen and i had lunch with mom and dad which was nice. then we headed off to new community christian church in coatesville. it's steve wilson's church and they wanted to pray us off as well. let me tell you, i love that church! they are so full of life and joy and it was contagious. crispen and steve did a dual message and the words they spoke were straight from God's heart. then they invited the team up front to be prayed for and proceeded to wash our feet. the leaders of their church got down on their knees and washed our feet! all i could do was weep at the beauty of it and the goodness of God. i felt so humble. last year when we were in africa God told me to wash katie fourqurean's feet and out of obedience i did. i felt like the lord was passing a mantle onto me now in the form of the foot washing. it was almost surreal. 

as soon as that service ended we went over to providence church who was holding an outdoor church service. it was incredible as well! they had all kinds of people sharing their talents and 4 guys got baptized. it was a beautiful night of sharing what God has done in lives and hearts and so awesome to see. they also pulled us aside and prayed for our team. we are so blessed to have so many people excited about what we're doing!

tomorrow is my packing day... i'm getting down to the wire! i'm so ready to go!!!! yay!!!

back to reality

vacation week is over and i must say, it went by way too fast. i know i know, that's always how vacation is but i was still hoping for a little more s t r e t c h .

it was great to get away, though. the house we stayed in was absolutely beautiful. it was the perfect size for our family. we had our own pool which was so fantastic. i love the beach, but i hate the sand so being at the beach in a pool is my perfect match. we laid around lazily... read books... played games... oohed and ahhed over my niece kyra... and ate chocolate. seriously i think i consumed my year's alottment of chocolate in one week. i don't know what it was, but i was drawn to it. needless to say i'm on a break from it right now. well, at least for today. ;)

last night i was sitting in my room watching Lost (yes i finally gave in and started watching it online... i'm halfway through season 2). i was debating whether or not i wanted to go to providence church that night and i felt prompted to go. i literally jumped out and ran out of the house so i wouldn't be late. about 5 minutes later i get a call from a good friend of mine named sam who lives in denver. she was home visiting her mom and said she was on her way to providence as well. needless to say we spent a couple hours after church catching up and it was awesome. she was so encouraging and just really listened as i shared my heart with her. it was exactly what i needed at that moment and God knew that.

so this morning i'm back to work and i'm alone in the office cause steve is on vacation this week. the last time he was gone for a week i hated it because it's so hard to work in this huge office all by yourself. so i walk in and flip my little day calendar to today and this is what it says:

"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me- watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace." Matthew 11:28-29 MSG

For some reason that verse just inspired me this morning. I don't have to do this out of my energy. I have a Savior that I can lean towards for strength and inspiration.

I guess I'm not alone in this office afterall. :)

please, no flash photography

so i know i haven't written in here in a while and i'm very sorry to my loyal readers... all 2 of you. hah!

today was a very exciting day. a few weeks ago my sister kate was surfing the web and somehow stumbled across the information that jon and kate (of the jon & kate plus 8 tv show) were going to be speaking at a church not too far away on march 30th. low and behold, march 30th is here and we set off (we being me, katie, declan, lyryn, jesse and precious little jayden). we were lucky enough to get seats in the third row on the left side of the auditorium and the way things were positioned on stage we had a perfect view of jon and kate! it was so fun seeing them in real life and not on the tv screen. they're so cute and so REAL! i love that their show truly depicts how they are as a family. that's rare these days!

jon and kate both shared their testimonies of how they came to know the lord and it was really sweet to see them talking about their experiences. they talked about the sextuplets (obviously) but they didn't go into too much detail. they did share about the hardships of being "famous" and not being able to just go out and enjoy being a family. apparently people bombard them a lot and just go up in the kids faces to take their picture... kind of sad.

it's refreshing to see a young couple like them being a positive influence in the media. they did remark on the fact that there aren't many christians in the entertainment industry and how everything revolves around money. a sad, but true fact!

overall, it was fun. and in a little while i get to head out with some of my girlfriends to dinner. a good friend of mine, marion, is visiting for a few days. she's been in chile for a year and a half so i can't wait to catch up and hear all her news. afterwards i'm going to meet up with the rest of the crew and go bowling! more to come later...

naps are a very good thing

today was a very full day yet i still managed to sneak in a hour and a half long nap. hooray for that!

it started off with church this morning where i had the awesome privilege of leading worship. in the beginning i got a little emotional and overwhelmed at the thought that God would use me to lead all these people into His presence. i recognized how special and totally humbling that was and it took me aback for a minute. i was so blown away to see the way the congregation responded and just got into it. it was so beautiful to watch and be a part of. i'm definitely glad i went through the school of worship with ywam because i felt much more equipped and prepared for what i was doing. i'm excited to continue growing in that area!

i also feel like God clearly spoke to me this morning about my next steps. i feel at peace about it and i'm excited to get started. i'm really starting to feel more like myself again which is really nice. i think i realized that i'm much more of an introvert than i used to think. as much as i like being around people, spending a lot of alone time this past month has been really good for me. i feel more "charged" if that makes sense.

anyways, after church myy whole family went out to lunch because it was my sister-in-law kesh's birthday! we went to on the border which is so yummy. it was fun and pretty low-key which is unusual for my family... haha... my niece kyra was as cute as ever. she is just too stinking cute sometimes. i love it!

i took a nice nap later in the afternoon while the boys watched football. i like taking naps around other people which is kind of funny. i think i feel peaceful knowing there's other people around. after my nap i went out to a diner with my sister and her hubby. later on we met up with my dad and brother and went bowling for a little while. my dad's a good bowler but he hasn't gone in a while so he was a little rusty. we had a good time, though. hopefully we can get him to come with us again.

i'm really excited about the new few months and what God's gonna do with me. i feel like i might finally be at a point in my life where i can laugh at the days to come (as proverbs 31 puts it). that's what i want... to look at the future not with anxiety, but excitement and joy!