the here and now

I was 3 days late.

I’m as regular as the sun rising so I was pretty confident the test would be positive. I tried to sneak out of bed around 7:30 that Saturday morning so as not to wake Jeff. I was shaking before I even got into the bathroom. I grabbed the test I had hidden in the cabinet for a moment such as this and did my thing before sneaking back into bed to wait out the 3 minutes. I didn’t want to sneak a peek so I knew I had to leave and come back. When the waiting time was up I walked back into the bathroom where I saw that red line, faint, but there all the same. Jeff had heard me stirring by this point and asked what I was doing. I walked back into our bedroom holding the test and replied, “I’m staring at a pregnancy test with 2 lines on it.” He looked at me point blank and said, “I have no idea what that means.” Love that man and his honesty. I told him it meant we were pregnant and then promptly jumped into his arms crying and hugging him and remarking about how crazy this was. We laughed as we remembered the day where we slipped on using preventative measures and how later I looked at my period tracker app and told him that might not have been the best day to slip up on that. Sure enough that was all it took. I thanked God that I was one of the lucky ones, able to conceive so quickly and so easily. Sure, it wasn’t in the plans for this to happen so quickly but we weren’t completely opposed to the idea either. I told him we needed to go and buy another test, one that actually said “Pregnant” and he obliged so we ran to the nearest drug store, came home, tested and sure enough there it was. What is it about those digital tests that make it feel even more real?

I begged and pleaded Jeff to let me tell my sister. She knew my period was late anyway and had already been texting me that morning asking if I had tested. We decided to go out for breakfast so on the way we stopped by her house and told her and Declan the good news and that they were the only ones who would know for a little while. They were thrilled and Kate immediately filled me in on a few important tidbits regarding pregnancy and the first trimester. Those first few days of only us knowing were fun. People would make comments or ask questions regarding us starting a family (which always seems to happen immediately after you get married) and we’d try to act nonchalant and give vague answers while sneaking looks at one another. It was fun to keep the secret.

3 days after we found out Jeff left to start his month at a Young Life camp in Michigan. I’d be joining him a week later because I was heading out on Wednesday to go to Texas for a wedding with my mom. My mom and I spent the first couple of days in Dallas before making the almost 2 hour trek to East Texas on Friday afternoon. We stopped at a rest stop about 30 minutes away from our hotel and I noticed that I had a very tiny little bit of bleeding. I mentioned it to my mom and we both tried to brush it off, but I definitely started looking things up on my phone while she drove the rest of the way. I was 5 weeks that day. My heart was pounding but I tried to keep myself calm and reassure myself that things were fine. As soon as we got checked into our hotel room I went to use the bathroom again and this time there was more blood, including a clot. I started freaking out, told my mom that I had to call my sister and locked myself in the bathroom. Kate was so sweet and did her best to keep me from having a complete meltdown, but she also knew that this was potentially the beginning stages of a miscarriage. She told me to just rest, drink some water and lay down. Over the next several hours I did just that, but the bleeding progressed and eventually the cramping started to come in waves.

I knew what was happening. I had lost the baby and my body was doing what it was designed to do- reset. It’s hard to describe the pain of those first initial hours when you realize what’s happening and what you’ve lost. It’s gut-wrenching actually. I cried and cried and cried. The hardest part was calling Jeff. I hated knowing I was delivering such awful news and that we weren’t together to walk through this. He had so much going on at camp with several hundred campers about to arrive and then I have to tell him this. Just awful. He of course was incredibly sweet and mostly concerned for me, while I know his heart was hurting in its own way. I obviously never made it out to the rehearsal dinner for the wedding that night. I couldn’t do anything but lay on that bed and feel sorry for myself and angry that this was all happening in a crappy Hampton Inn in the middle of East Texas. No offense to those of you who live there, that was just how I felt in the moment.

The wedding the next day wasn’t until 5pm and by that time the cramping had pretty much stopped. I summoned up all the courage I had and got myself together in an attempt to enjoy the night as much as I could. I felt so terrible that this was all happening on what should have been such a happy weekend. I didn’t want the bride knowing what was happening because I didn’t want to bring any sadness to her day. This was her day. I hated my body for doing this at such an inopportune time. Her wedding was beautiful. I was honored to be there to watch her marry her best friend. I even managed to join her on the dance floor for a couple of songs which was honestly one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I felt so fake, but I know I had to be. I hated that.

On Sunday my mom and I started the journey home and ended up getting stuck in the Dallas airport for 4 hours because of a flight delay. All I wanted was my husband and to get on the plane so I would feel like I was one step closer to him. We didn’t end up getting home till 1:30 in the morning, but we did make it. First thing Monday morning I called my OB and talked to the sweetest, kindest nurse who practically cried with me as I told her about my weekend. Her empathy and compassion was exactly what I needed and after hearing horror stories from girls about how they were handled when they miscarried I feel very, very blessed with the way they dealt with me. She asked me to go to the hospital that day to get blood work done so amidst laundry and packing I had to do that because I was leaving Tuesday morning to drive to Michigan to be with Jeff at camp. She called late Monday afternoon and confirmed that it was indeed a loss after looking at my HCG levels. She also told me that I am RH- and that she needed me to come in first thing Tuesday morning before I departed for Michigan to get a RhoGAM shot. They were so great about getting me in early and taken care of so I could get on the road. After traveling 12 hours with another friend whose husband is also here all month and 2 of her kids we finally arrived.

To say that I was happy to see my husband would be an understatement. It was a mixture of joy, relief and sadness at the same time over all that had happened since we’d seen each other last. I’m so grateful that we’re able to be together during this time and be in such an incredibly beautiful environment as well.

As for me, I’m doing ok. It’s been 2 weeks now and physically I feel back to normal. What I went through physically, while difficult, was not as bad as other stories I’ve read. My body naturally took care of everything and for that I am grateful. I remember telling my sister that I felt like my body was broken and she reassured me that even though that feeling is natural, my body was actually doing everything it was supposed to do and I took comfort in that. Emotionally, I go back and forth. Father’s Day was hard because I had a card that I had bought for Jeff (that was packed with our dad’s cards) that I realized I still packed. It was a daddy-to-be card and I just cried knowing I wouldn’t be giving it to him. There are 9 kids here under the age of 4 that belong to staff families and live with us in a large house here. They are so fun and full of life, but it pricks my heart at times, too. Then there are the recent pregnancy announcements that probably just feel so much more prevalent because of where I am. It’s a sucky place to be because while you are so very happy for them, you are also so sad for yourself and then you feel like a jerk for being selfish but the feelings are just real. I’m a human being. I can’t expect to not have those thoughts. I do my best to push them away when they come and not entertain them.

I do trust God in all of this… I know His timing is good and I truly believe that God will give us a healthy pregnancy in the future. I’m bummed that I know I’m jaded for future pregnancies because I’ll be scared this will happen again, but I can’t change that. I won’t be able to be naïve again, but there are worse things I suppose.

I’m comforted in knowing how many other people have walked this road and that I’m not alone in my feelings. I thank God for my sister and that she understands exactly how I feel since she lost her first pregnancy as well. While I still hate that she had to go through that, selfishly I’m glad that I don’t have to explain anything to her. She just gets it.

I know this was long and included lots of details… some of them TMI, but this is real life. It’s where I am. It’s my story.

Jeff and I truly covet your prayers as we walk through this. Here's a photo someone snapped of us the other night here at camp.

grace and peace,

life is good

oh little blog of mine... how i miss thee... let me count the ways...

seriously though... the fact that i've neglected this little corner of the interweb for almost 6 months makes me wanna hang my head in shame. but at the same time i love that i don't feel bound to update this all the time. that i can be free to just live my life and come and go as i please. although that doesn't do much for the relationships i've built on here and the people who only know about my life when i post... so to those of you i'm sorry! jeff is constantly encouraging me to blog more and i just nod my head and say 'yeah yeah' and then i don't do it. i got an email the other day from a woman who has read my blog and found some inspiration and i wanted to share part of what she wrote with you:

"Last March I began my weight loss journey.  I stumbled across your blog and found so much inspiration!  I just wanted to let you know that if you still read this I have lost 65 pounds since March.  I found so much comfort in a real person who had done it.  I find it so hard to believe the tv ads and magazines that show people who have lost a considerable amount of weight.  Your faith is so inspirational and I believe that it is so important to the journey.  With God all things are possible. Thank you Susan!!!"

i love how just sharing your story can inspire and motivate someone to LITERALLY CHANGE THEIR LIFE. how amazing is that? it's once again a reminder of the power of social media to connect with people we otherwise wouldn't be able to. the chance to share our story. the ups the downs. the tears the laughter. it is such a powerful tool that can be used to harness SO.MUCH.GOOD. and i'm honored to be part of it... even in a small way!

......................................

life is so crazy busy right now with just (hold me jesus) 37 days until the wedding but it is so crazy good. when i give myself time to just stop and think about this season of life i'm in i literally start bawling. no joke. ask my sister. i totally did it at bible study this week. i am just so overwhelmed with God's faithfulness in my life and how he knew, even amidst all the pain and brokenness i endured, that my story wouldn't end there. he saw my wedding day to jeff before i did. and i look back and remember a time where i didn't think the feelings i have today would ever be possible and yet here i am. i'm in awe. in awe of a Creator who weaves the tragedy of our lives into something more beautiful than we could have ever imagined. my heart is full of gratitude and most days i feel like words aren't enough. so i just cry. haha!

so much more i could say but for today this is enough. many more things i'd love to write about but i'll save that for another day.

grace and peace,

 

a proposal story

this summer has been nothing short of amazing, thus the reason for my lack of posting. i have literally been all over the place... from new york to north carolina to maryland to back to new york again and i've gotten to do it all beside jeff- a man i am completely and utterly smitten by. if you would have asked me a year ago if i thought it would be possible to be where i am today, with the feelings i have, i might have laughed in your face. thankfully God knows what we need when we need it and this man's love has been a gift given at just the right time.

this past weekend he professed his love and commitment to me and asked me to marry him! and i said YES! i'd be a fool not to. this man is incredible! i have never felt so cherished, loved and valued in all my life. he demonstrates his love to me in real, tangible ways. he's a man of his word and best of all he loves God with his whole heart and i know that together we can share that love with those who need it most.

i'm sure there are 2 question burning in your mind right now...

how'd he do it?
and
when are you getting married?

this past weekend we were in upstate new york in the Adirondacks at a young life family camp. you can learn more about young life here. it's an organization jeff has been volunteering with for about 4 years, but as of next week he will officially be on staff with them as his full-time job! it was our 2nd time at that camp this year. we had gone the first week of august with 19 of the teenagers that he leads through young life. he needed an extra girl leader and it was a great opportunity for me to get to know young life better as well as the kids he leads. it was an amazing week and definitely grew us even closer together! so we were back this time as a family camp, end-of-summer celebration. both our parents came up with us as well as his brother and his brother's girlfriend. we made the long drive on thursday and woke up friday morning excited about all the fun things we were going to do. jeff setup a para-sailing trip on the lake with our families and a couple good friends and we had a blast. i loved watching my parents try something they wouldn't normally do! we went water-skiing... well jeff and my dad did. i attempted. haha. i did manage to get up, but staying up... yeah... better luck next time i guess. we went on sailboats, swam in the lake and had a fabulous day.

as everyone was heading to the dining hall for dinner jeff pulled me aside and told me that he had planned something special for just the 2 of us and that we wouldn't be joining everyone for dinner. he tried to play it off like it was for my 30th birthday (which is in 2 weeks- yikes!) but i was pretty sure this was it... aka the proposal. i think it bums him out a bit that i knew it was coming, but really? we've been talking and talking and talking about it and why wouldn't he do it at one of his favorite places in the world while we were surrounded by some of our family?

he told me we had to take a boat to our destination and that we'd be having dinner once we got there. i asked if i could run to the bathroom before we left and as soon as i got in there i did a mini-freakout. i know. i can't lie. i did. i composed myself and came back out and we walked to a dock on the other side of the camp. we managed to get in the 2-person kayak without falling in and we started making our way across the lake. i attempted to paddle but kept getting myself wet so he told me to stop and he basically paddled the entire way. so i snapped a picture. haha!

we made our way to this picnic spot across the lake and once again attempted to not get soaked as we got out of the boat (there was no dock there, just a bunch of rocks). we made our way through some woods and ended up at this cute little pavilion that overlooked the lake. he had it all setup with 2 dozen roses, candles, chocolate and our dinner. here's a shot he snapped of me just before we ate.

 we enjoyed our dinner and talked about our day and then he told me that he wrote me a letter. so he pulls out his iPad (everyone laughs when i tell them this part cause it is so 2012... haha) and he proceeds to read me this 3 page letter. cue the waterworks for me. he talked about how life has changed for him over the last 5 months in various ways, but specifically in regards to me and our relationship. he told me (for the first time) that he loved me and my heart soared. i KNEW that he loved me, but he didn't want to say it until he had a commitment to go with it. i know that's a hard concept to grasp sometimes in the world we live in, but it speaks volumes about the kind of man that he is. he read me a list of all the reasons he loves me. some were silly, some were serious, but they all had meaning. he spoke of the future and his excitement over being in this journey together no matter what life brings us. it was perfect and as someone who needs words of affirmation... well my cup was overflowing! i will treasure that letter always!

after he finished the letter he sent me down to the rocks that overlook the lake while he cleaned up. we were losing daylight and needed to get back soon. he joined me a few minutes later and proceeded to kiss me and next thing i knew he was down on one knee and i was sobbing. i think i cut him off as he asked because once i composed myself he said, "you didn't answer my question." to which i replied, "you didn't ask a question!" he didn't argue but once again said, "will you marry me?" and i said i'd have to think about it. what? no i didn't. i said YES! OF COURSE! we hugged and he asked me if i was gonna look at the ring. once i saw it and he put it on my finger i started freaking out by how flipping gorgeous it was. and then how heavy it felt on my finger! haha! he picked it out all by himself and he did a fabulous job! especially for a guy who hates to shop! we didn't have too long to relish the moment because we really needed to get back in the boat and make our way back to camp. besides, he knew there were lots of people anticipating our return.

as we (who am i kidding) as HE rowed back to camp i shot another picture. this time, with the ring.

 we arrived on the dock only to be embraced by our families and soon after friends who were there as well. lots of tears, hugs and photos were taken. i couldn't stop smiling obviously and just basking in God's goodness and faithfulness in my life. never could i have imagined a scenario like this, especially after the heartbreak i had been through. but God did! he dreamed it up for me long before i could and his plans are GOOD you guys! so very very good! i am so thankful that despite all the pain and all the tears that God gave me the strength to still have hope... to still believe that he would work all those things out for my good. jeff was a total surprise to me in every sense of the word... especially with our blind date start... but God knew i needed to be surprised. to not be in control of it but to just experience it. i'm sure my glow is radiating through these words right now because my heart is just so full of gratitude!

and for the 2nd question of when... well we are looking at the spring- april or may. so think of us as we try to work out the details! i am slightly overwhelmed already and the planning hasn't even really started yet!

i know this is getting long but i really must thank you- my readers, my friends, my family who have supported and loved me through the hardest of days. who always believed that God had the very best in mind for me. who didn't stop praying for me. there aren't enough words to tell you what it's meant to me. you know who you are. xoxo

I'M GETTING MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!


grace and peace,

a new day

thank you all for your kind words on my last post. i appreciate all the prayers and support that you so freely give, especially on the hard days.

i think the one thing i've really learned over this last year is that it's ok to embrace the hard days. too often we're quick to push it away for fear of what people will think or that we'll lose ourselves in it. i know i was. and yeah, sometimes you can't really embrace them as fully because you have responsibilities, families to take care of, people depending on you. i get that, too.

i guess what i'm trying to say is that it's ok to be honest with yourself about where you're at... what you're struggling with... what you're wrestling through. we're all fractured human beings in need of saving and it's alright to acknowledge that every once in a while.

there's definitely a trend in blogging these days of "keeping it real" and i appreciate that. it's so easy to play the compare game and wonder why everyone else in the world has it together except for you. these spaces of ours on the world wide web can be so deceiving sometimes, and often unintentionally. we can't possibly share every part of our lives on here and what we choose to write only gives a glimpse into the bigger picture of what's really happening.

i'm not sure where i'm headed with all this. but for me, that's often a good thing.

letting go and just allowing things to happen naturally and freely is something i'm not always comfortable with, but it's where God has me- learning that things don't always happen as planned and sometimes surprises can be wonderful. being free to make mistakes and learn from them. not allowing them to define me or set me back. picking myself up, dusting myself off and trying a different way. it's what makes mornings so exceptional (well that and the coffee). the chance to start fresh. a new day with fresh possibilities.

perhaps there is a stirring of hope within me today? is that what this is? possibly. it's that or the diet coke making its way through my body. either way, i'll take it.

grace and peace,

warning: soul baring ahead

oh, hi.

yeah i haven't forgotten about this little blog 'o mine. kind of hard when you've been blogging for almost 12 years (5 on blogger and 7 on another platform). ok now that makes me feel old.

so i've been in a bit of a slump the last couple weeks. ironic given that my last post was all about how happy i felt and loved and all that jazz. and then it was like someone said, "oh you're finally feeling joy? let's see how you do when i throw a bunch of crap at you. where's your joy now?" *insert evil laugh*

at least that's how i picture it going in my mind.

and instead of being all, "yeah i got this. bring it on. nothing can steal my joy," i find myself breaking down. crying constantly. questioning everything and everyone around me. allowing those feelings of rejection to settle in my heart again. questioning God and His plan for me. afraid to open my heart to people. pushing people away with my brashness because i'm a control freak and take responsibility for everything. why do i care so much about everything? about details? about things no one else worries about?

the only positive thing is that this self-imposed isolation has given me lots of time to reflect on myself. i'm surprisingly self-aware. or at least that's what those closest to me say. but now that i'm aware of some of my "stuff" i guess i need to do something about it. sounds fun, doesn't it?

life is hard. relationships are hard. loving people is hard. and i suck at it most days.

i have this twisted theory in my head that people should love me because of all the millions of things that i DO. i mean come on. don't you see me always picking up the pieces for everything? organizing and planning so everything runs smooth? isn't that enough for you to love me?

but no, it isn't. people don't want you to do stuff for them. they just want you.

and yeah that's a scary thought for someone like me.

for someone who is addicted to receiving praise and affirmation for countless hours of work. for someone who believes her true worth is found in doing rather than being. for someone who so desperately wants to believe that she can be loved just for who she is, but doubts it every time it is said.

never mind the fact that i'm baring my soul to the internet. this feels like pure madness but i've been pretty raw and real on here over the last year so why stop now?

so i'm far from perfect. i know that. trust me, do i know that. but letting you all in on that dirty little secret (that's really no secret at all) is the hardest thing of all.

i guess there's a kind of relief and freedom that comes in knowing that i'm probably not alone in this. that there are many more of those closet performers who struggle just like me. and i try my hardest to take joy in knowing that God is refining me, moment by moment, even through the pain and the tears and what feels like constant testing. and that somehow, someway, this will produce a deeper faith in me. a deeper trust. every day i remind myself that i will not lose hope. it's what i cling to on days (or weeks) like this.

thanks for letting me share my heart with you today.
grace and peace,



i figure since i'm keeping it pretty real with this post today that i'd link up with my friend jess for her monday real linkup. hop on over if you want to find more people baring their soul to the internet. or just their dirty laundry. no literally- some of them really are showing you piles of dirty clothes. :)

roses are... yellow?

if you follow me on instagram (if you don't- you should! my username is thelifeofsusan) or if we're facebook friends you might have seen this picture i posted a couple days ago.

so why did i take a picture of myself in all my hat-hair glory in the bathroom mirror holding a yellow rose? because i was just so darn happy and had to share it.

you see, there's a flower shop here in town that puts a name on their sidewalk sign every day. it usually says, "if your name is ______ then stop in for a free rose!" i've seen friends names pop up and called to let them know. i look at that sign almost every day, usually when i'm leaving the office or running errands. so imagine my surprise when my good friend jen called me on tuesday afternoon and said the magic words, "you get a rose today!" i knew exactly what she meant. my name was on the sign! we laughed and i thanked her for telling me. it was a short, but fun exchange between the two of us.

i finished up my day in the office and i contemplated whether i should stop in. yes, i was really excited when my friend had called me but i knew then that the likelihood of me actually going in to claim that rose was pretty slim. i thought of all the reasons i shouldn't. i know what you're thinking. it's just a stupid rose. what's the big deal? but when insecurity tries to creep its way in and claw at you it's hard to stop those thoughts. i finally had to tell myself to get over it and just do it. i walked into the flower shop and made eye contact with the woman behind the counter. she greeted me and i responded with "my name is susan!" she got a huge smile on her face and excitedly told me i was the first susan to stop in today. she led me over to the roses and told me to pick any color i wanted. i went with yellow. i've always been drawn to yellow roses. she wrapped it up in tissue paper for me and thanked me for stopping in. i told her, practically through tears, that she had made my day. it was a short and sweet interchange but after spending all day alone in my office i realized how much i needed a human connection like that- even if it was just for a minute.

i think i was literally beaming on the 8-block drive home. i snapped a photo and shared it online and all night long the most beautiful comments came pouring in. words of encouragement and life brought joy to my heart as friends, near and far, said the kindest things. and for once in my life i actually believe all the things they are saying about me. i am receiving them. i'm not dismissing them as hot air. i am loved. i believe that. wow. such a humbling and overwhelming feeling.

i always wondered why i was drawn to yellow roses. i know that rose colors have meanings so i looked up yellow and this is what i found:

Joy, Gladness, Friendship, Delight, Promise of a new beginning

and once again my heart says YES. i feel all those things today. and it kind of goes right along with my word for this year- renew. i woke up this morning with this scripture on my heart:

"My beloved spoke and said to me, Arise, my darling, my beautiful one, come with me. See! The winter is past; the rains are over and gone. Flowers appear on the earth; the season of singing has come, the cooing of doves is heard in our land. The fig tree forms its early fruit; the blossoming vines spread their fragrance. Arise, come, my darling; my beautiful one, come with me.” Song of Solomon 2:10-13

grace and peace,

no more excuses

if you've watched the biggest loser at all this season you'd know that their theme is "no more excuses." such a simple yet profound concept. i literally get asked the same question almost every day about my weight loss. how did you do it?

the simple answer i usually give is: weight watchers. sure, that's the program i used to track my food, to change my portion sizes, to get my eating under control, etc. but the more direct answer that i sometimes want to give is this: i stopped making excuses and did something about it. because that is the God-honest truth.

those people who ask me how i did it? 9 times out of 10 they respond back with an excuse as to why they can't do it. and i know this might sound harsh but when i hear the excuses sometimes i want to scream. or roll my eyes. or shake them.

are you still reading? yeah, i just admitted that.

i get frustrated because i can relate. THAT WAS ME. i lived in the land of excuses for years and years and was unhappy with my body as a result. i had trapped myself. it wasn't anyone elses fault. no one force fed me hershey's chocolate... although sometimes i wish someone would. haha. no one turned my car into that fast food drive through lane. no one tied me to the couch to watch hours of tv instead of getting up and exercising. I DID THAT. i made those choices and i had to live with the consequences of my decision. and my choices affected others, too. i struggled to have intimacy in relationships because i was insecure about who i was. i was ashamed of what i had done to myself.

so i had a choice to make. i had to accept that enough was enough. i had to do away with the excuses and own up to my decisions that led me to the place that i was. no one else could make that decision for me. i had to face it and OWN IT. and that my friends is what makes all the difference. when you can admit to yourself the honest truth about where you are and how you got there THAT will be your turning point. you have the power to make better choices each and every day that when strung together over months and years will result in a happier, healthier YOU.

let's let this be the year of no more excuses. the year that we decide to look at ourselves honestly. to put down the veil of denial that we've wrapped ourselves in and step out of the shadows. and that doesn't just relate to weight loss. that can translate into so many areas of our lives where we've held ourselves back from being who we know we are really called to be. as women, sisters, daughters, mothers, friends and if there's any guys reading- all that guy stuff, too.

don't let the excuses hold you back any more. life's too short to live in the shadows.

grace and peace,

word of 2012

i am so humbled by all the love and support and encouragement you showered me with on my last post. it makes me realize that the internet, even with all its crazies, can be a wonderful place to connect with people. i've received numerous emails (that i really need to reply to) from many of you who are just starting out on this journey towards health and i am so excited for you. i really am! you are changing your life and it's hard but it's so worth it. take it from me.

i am filled with so much hope for this year. i have never been so excited for a new year, a fresh start, a new beginning. 2011 was a painful year, but God has graced me with strength i never thought was possible. i am confident that i am exactly where i am supposed to be. i am so fulfilled by my work, my family, my community. here. now. and i'm not naive. i know there will be days where i don't feel that. but today i do and i want to express my gratefulness for this life i have been blessed to live.

in november i started praying and asking God what my word was going to be for this year. last year he told me that 2011 was the year of promise.

and my word for 2012 is:

i believe this is a year of fresh starts... of new beginnings... do i know what that means or looks like exactly? nope. but i'm trusting God that His plans for me are better than i could ever hope or imagine.

grace and peace to you friends,







linking up with

shepherds and angels

it hit me hard this morning.

christmas, that is.

or the real reason behind it. the weight of what it means.

i thought i'd be better this year at not buying into the hype and in many ways i was. i didn't over-spend. i sold things i wasn't using in order to buy gifts. i tried to be a good steward of what i had. but i did stay busy.

busy busy busy.

it's my vice. there's always more i can do. there's always more i should do... or so the voices say.

but it hit me hard this morning as i watched this video that i put together for our christmas eve service. i can't really take the credit for it. one of my pastors wrote it. i just made it look nice and added music really. needless to say it still took up countless hours of my week to work on. i tried to upload it so i could embed it here but that's not working out so well. bummer.

the basic gist of it is this:
when jesus was born the angels came from heaven to proclaim the news of his birth. but who did they come to tell? did they come to the religious leaders? to the rich? no. they came to shepherds. low of the low. unnoticed, unimportant to the rest of the world shepherds. the first people to hear of our saviors birth lived in fields... were probably dirty... were probably poor. my lord, THAT is the gospel right there! God chose to reveal himself first to the most unlikely group of people. that's what i love about God. he flips things around to force us to really think... to see... to listen and understand.

it's not about being put together. it's not about having the nicest gifts to give. and it certainly isn't about getting the greatest new thing. it's about humility. about allowing yourself to be broken. recognizing that you are broken. that you NEED Him. that you are nothing without Him. that if He hadn't sent His son as a tiny, little baby you would be completely lost and hopeless.

oh but joy of all joys, He did send His son as a precious little newborn... completely dependent upon the world in which He created... it's almost inconceivable really. the way in which God works leaves me completely undone.

so i'm reflecting on that today. rejoicing because no matter how much i try to put myself together i'm still in desperate need of saving, of forgiveness, of His bountiful love. and it's there just waiting for me to embrace it. it's there for you, too.

merry christmas friends,

single digits baby

sunday night was monumental for me. i left the gym after running 3.3 miles, headed to my local kohls, confidently grabbed a pair of size 8 levi's jeans and dashed into the dressing room quickly before someone caught a whiff of me. as i slipped on those single-digit pants i held my breath... i put one leg in... then the second leg in... pulled them up... secured the button... zipped the fly and... VICTORY! they fit! even after i released that breath.

so i did what any normal social-networking-crazed-woman would do- i snapped a photo with my iPhone and quickly took to twitter to share my joy!

within seconds the replies to my tweet came flying in and that's when i lost it. yes, i had a breakdown in the dressing room at kohls. i apologize to the other customers who had to hear my muffled sobs. i promise they were happy tears.

i sat down out of shock.

and then i stood up just to check myself out again.

just 11 short months ago i could barely fit in my size 16 jeans. i never thought single digit pants would be on my radar. i never thought i would run but yet i completed three 5k's in just two months and now i'm starting to train for a 10k. i never thought that i would be able to inspire people through my journey to health but somehow i find people telling me that i have and i am humbled.

and every single time i've taken to this blog or to facebook or instagram or twitter to share an accomplishment or milestone i am met by an overwhelming show of support. the tears that i shed in that dressing room weren't just for how far i've come but it was also for those of you that have come with me. that have cheered for me. that have congratulated me. that have motivated me to get off my butt and go run when i didn't feel like it. you can't place a value on that. to know that there are people out there rooting for your success... people you have never and maybe never will actually "meet?" it's incredible and so much of what i have been able to accomplish would not have been possible without YOU!

this year has been hard in so many ways but i know that i'm coming out of it a stronger, more confident, more beautiful woman. there were so many days where i felt alone and abandoned and after reflecting today i am reminded of how untrue that is.

i can and will set out to finish what i started and i hope you'll stick around to see it.

much love today,

the in between

i realize it's been about... oh 3 weeks since i last posted and that post was from my first day out of ten that i spent in romania... so to say i'm behind would be an understatement. the fact that i didn't post anymore while i was in romania might give you a clue as to how busy we were and how little free time i had. there is more to be said about that trip and the experiences i had there and hopefully i'll be able to share some of them with you soon.

transitioning back into regular routine has proved difficult. i always find that "re-entry" after a missions trip, whether you were gone for 2 weeks or 3 months, is a tough process. transitioning between vastly different cultures can be tricky to navigate and it can really mess with your head and make you question everything, which is both a blessing and a curse.

so i did what any normal person would do. i hid. oh wait, that isn't normal? well sometimes it's normal to me. you know, what do you do when you don't want to deal with things like ummm your emotions? you avoid them. you watch endless hours of friday night lights. you sleep for 11 hours a night. or maybe that's just me. i guess we all have our methods of coping. don't judge.

couple all the emotions you've just experienced after sitting in a tiny 2-room home in romania that houses 10 kids under the age of 15 with all the emotions of jumping into this holiday season after getting engaged last christmas and then breaking up 2 1/2 months later and well... that's just a recipe for disaster folks. that's exactly what i've felt like. a disastrous mess of emotions including anger at anything that breathes and overwhelming sadness and hopelessness that i wish i still wasn't feeling. oh man, writing all of that out just makes me sound so crazy. but you all know i like to keep things real around here when i can.

despite the messiness i've still managed to maintain myself on weight watchers. i'm so close to my original goal of 70lbs... only about 12 away. just crazy. i ran another 5k only 2 days after getting home from romania. it was great because i got to run with my sister, who i adore obviously, and it was so special. we're running another one on saturday here in our city. the finish line is only a block from my house. fantastic! so i guess i'm a runner now? feels weird saying, but it has to be true. i've logged over 43 miles in the last 7 weeks. that must qualify me as something.  ;)

thanks for all the support and love during this season. special thanks to all my ladies on twitter for the encouragement lately. xoxo

grace and peace,

it's travel time again

over the last 5 years i've gotten to travel to some incredible places around the world and develop relationships with some amazing people. i try not to take the opportunities i've had for granted and i feel so privileged to work alongside some of the most faithful servants i believe this world has to offer. this year was tough in so many ways, one of them being that it's the first year i haven't traveled to zambia after going for 4 years straight. while i have peace about that decision, it was still a hard one to make. traveling and sharing God's love with others has become a part of who i am... at least in this season of life.

in 2009 i had the opportunity to travel to romania with my parents and a few others. my parents have been going to romania for years. while there they spend a lot of time sharing at churches and encouraging the pastors and believers there. bibles are hard to come by for a lot of people so they've made it a personal mission to put a bible into as many hands as possible. i've witnessed firsthand the joy the people feel when they are given their very own bible- they way they hold it as their most precious treasure. it's humbling when i think about how much i take for granted- like the fact that i have access to my bible on my phone 24/7? yeah.

on monday night i'll be getting on a plane destined for eastern europe where i'll once again get to see and connect with some special people. i'll be in romania for 10 days traveling with my parents, my pastor and 2 dear friends of mine. i'm looking forward to getting out of my usual routine and being submersed in another culture for a while. i can't help it. i love these kinds of adventures. i do feel a bit under-prepared for this trip though. there has been so much going on the last few weeks that has taken my attention but i know God will move despite that. let's just hope i can get everything done before i leave monday. and if not? i suppose the world will still go on. just another lesson in relinquishing control i suppose.  :)

if you are able, please keep me and our team in prayer! pray for safety as we travel... pray that i am able to get some sleep on our overnight flight... i'm usually a terrible plane sleeper. pray that we would not only be prepared to give of ourselves, but that we would be open to receive what God has for us as well. i'm humbled that God can use me even in my broken, messed up state. i know it's when i'm the most weak that He is strong. that is certainly going to be my mantra for this trip. pray that when we have opportunities to speak that God would fill our mouth with His words that would encourage and bless the hearts of those listening.

i'll do my best to keep you updated along the way (thank God for international plans on the iphone). i have a favor to ask you? would you commit to pray for me while i'm away? i thought if i could get at least 10 people to choose one day to pray (or even fast if you feel so inclined), that would be amazing. what a way to stay connected together during this time! we leave this monday november 7th and return on wednesday november 16th. if you're able to would you just leave me a comment and tell me what day you'll commit to pray? if more than 10 people want to do this, then we can always have multiple people praying each day. you can't ever have enough prayer.  :)

thank you so much for your support in this. i'm so blessed by all of you!

in the meantime

today is a special day! i'm guest-posting over at my dear friend tatiana's blog today. she's doing a series called "her story" which features different women sharing parts of their life. i was so honored when she asked me to be a part of it. so click on over and check it out.

 

thanks again tatiana for letting me join in!

hope you all have a wonderful day!

part of the wreckage

ethnocentrism.
homogeneous.
assimilation.


these are words that a few years ago were barely in my vocabulary. but once i heard them... understood their meaning... i couldn't go back. you know those moments where you learn something you had been ignorant of for so long and you realize then that you have a choice? you can bury that new information... stuff it down so low that you don't have to think about it. or you can let it wreck you. and i mean that in the best way possible. you can let it wreck you to the point that your entire life changes and you are never the same again. i think out of those moments are birthed movements of justice... organizations that leave lasting impact... and people who become world changers.

a wise friend once told me that knowledge equals responsibility. i've never heard a more truer statement.

in 2009 i took a class that, i believe, altered the course of my life as i knew it. it was a class on racial reconciliation. we met once a week on wednesday night over the course of a few months. it was in that class that my eyes were opened to see the gospel in an entire new light. my heart broke as i saw my own inhumanity... as i recognized how little i understood about the principles of the kingdom of God... as i saw areas in my own heart that were clouded by racism and prejudice. i was faced with my own ignorance... a hard pill to swallow.

but i am forever grateful. God has woven my life together with some of the most incredibly beautiful, loving, tender-hearted people who are so uniquely different from me but yet add such richness to my life. i honestly don't know how i would have survived this year without them. without their prayers. their hugs. their tears. their love. i'm humbled by my community each and every day.

this weekend our church hosted a racial reconciliation conference. the course that i took over several months crammed into 2 days. it was our first time opening it up to the public and God brought the people together in such a beautiful way. as i sat through those teachings i allowed myself to be wrecked again. to be reminded of why i'm doing what i'm doing. why i live where i live. and boy did he wreck me. it forced me to look at some of my actions in the past, especially in regards to my relationship that ended this year, and i realized some of the damage i caused... some of the mistakes i made as a white woman in a relationship with a black man... how had i analyzed every area of our relationship except the racial dynamic? maybe it wasn't time until now for me to see it. i don't know. i can't change the things that happened but i can learn from them. i intend to do that.

i have so much more i could share on this topic but for now i'll leave it at that. oh being broken isn't fun and it isn't easy but it is so worth it.


grace and peace,

let go

it's been a tough couple of weeks... thus the lack of posting. i know there have been moments on this blog when i was having a hard day and writing about it helped me process, but it's difficult sometimes to be that vulnerable and honest, especially when you have no idea who or how many people will read it. it's days like that where i'm grateful for the people who are present in my life to let me vent and cry as i try to put words to the emotions i'm feeling. not to negate the incredible encouragement i receive from this blog and those of you who read it- trust me, lord knows i am grateful for that, too. it's just that sometimes you need real arms to fall into and someone to pass you a tissue or two.... or a whole box in my case this week.

i thought that passing october 15th would magically release me into a world of peace and acceptance and yet here i am, still dealing with it. no, it's not consuming me but i'm faced with decisions and choices i never wanted to make. a friend at church asked me the other day what "season" i'm in right now. i was taken aback by the question and for this internal processor i needed time to think on it. so i have been pondering that and asking the Lord where i am and i keep coming back to "letting go." ugh. for a control... ok recovering control freak the words LET GO stir up all kinds of crazy feelings. the last thing a person who wants to feel in control does is let go. really God? is this some kind of sick joke?  if i let go, everything falls apart. or does it?

see that's the lie that wants to keep me attached to people, to expectations, to my work... that false need to control or fix or do everything. God is trying to teach me to let go... to just be... to rest. REST! what? who has time to rest? there's work to be done, isn't there? you should all be grateful that you can't hear my inner dialogue. for real.

last week i was sick. i had a head cold that wiped me out and i had no energy. by friday i was completely zapped. i knew i needed to stop and rest. my body needed that. but yet i struggled all day with my decision to stay home. was i really sick enough to be home? what about all the work i had to do? i could probably go into work. it's just a cold. then i hear it again- LET GO. susan, let go. give yourself a break. you are human. you get sick. the world will function without you for one day.

when oh when will i understand? letting go is supposed to be a freeing experience. when i was a kid i used to love jumping off the swings. we had this awesome wooden swing set that my dad built us. not like those plastic ones kids use today. the swings were wooden boards attached with ropes. we were hardcore like that. one of our favorite things to do was to swing really high and then fly off the swing and land, hopefully safe, on the ground. just thinking about that now makes me almost shudder in fear. but oh there was such joy in letting go. in soaring through the air so freely. what happens to us as we become adults that we lose the joy in letting go? there's a million answers for that i'm sure... i'm still trying to wrap my brain around mine.

even today... i have so much to do. i'm teaching a lesson at a prayer ministry school i co-lead tonight. and friday and saturday our church is hosting a racial reconciliation conference and i have so many loose ends to wrap up before 7am tomorrow. it won't all be perfect. i know that. and there's grace for me in that. even giving myself a few minutes to write this blog is hard knowing how much i have to do... but it's ok. it will be ok. God knows what He's doing. he can manage the universe much better than i can.

to all my other struggling-to-let-go-people... i'm with you. i get it. it's hard. we can do this. no, it won't happen overnight. but embrace the process. start where you can. and for goodness sake- give yourself a break every once in a while and rest, ok? :)

grace and peace to you today,

fixing my eyes

this week marks 7 months since my fiance and i broke up. 7 months. and today marks 10 days away from what was supposed to have been our wedding day. where has that time gone? sometimes it feels like a blur and others an eternity. i remember when we chose october 15th and i thought that day would never come. and now for the last 7 months it's been a day that i've wanted to ignore. can't we just skip that day altogether somehow? that's what i asked a friend of mine the other day. another friend said how sad they were when the month changed and they flipped their calendar only to see our wedding date written down. a harsh reminder of the reality of what happened. a reality i've had to live with every day for the last 7 months. and while it still hurts, the sting isn't so bad as it once was. that aching in my heart that i thought would never go away? it has, for the most part, subsided. that struggle to get out of bed? that's passed, too. the anger? meh... it's still there a bit. got to work on that i guess. hey- i'm not perfect.

tonight i read through some of my earlier posts when i was right in the thick of my pain. i was worried it might stir up crazy emotions, but i remained calm. looking back i'm amazed i even had the emotional capacity to write some of the things i did. those moments of strength were God-given for sure. grief is an interesting process. and yes, i do believe grief is exactly what i've been walking through these past 7 months. grief isn't caused by physical death alone. any major loss or disappointment in life could be categorized as grief and with it all those emotions and feelings as well. i think the hardest part in this grieving process for me has been letting go. letting go of that white-knuckle grip i want to have on my own future. that small semblance of control i think i have over how things will turn out. how i want things to turn out. that grip does me no good. how can i really see where i'm going when i'm constantly turning around to look back? there were several times during my 5k on friday when i wanted to look back. to take a glimpse and see who was behind me. who was about to pass me. but i resisted. i kept my focus on where i was going- not who i just passed- or who was about to pass me. it reminds me of this verse in hebrews:

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."  Hebrews 12:1-3

i want- no i need- to fix my eyes ahead- on Jesus. on the future that He has laid for me. on learning to live more intimately with Him. on connecting deeper with those around me. do i think it's wrong to look back? of course not. but i'd say that if i'm looking back long enough to trip or fall or miss a turn then my focus isn't in the right place. so that's my personal challenge i suppose. for myself. but if you're in a similar boat feel free to join me.

and now i leave you with one of my favorite quotes that i've had written in the back of my bible for years:

"O, tis a thought must melt a rock, and make a heart of iron move; that the joy which was set before Jesus, was principally the joy of saving you and me." C.H. Spurgeon

mmm... that's like a warm blanket on a cold day.

grace and peace to you today,

rain, rain, go away

i've made it through more than i thought i was capable of this year. now i can add hurricane to that list.

let me preface by saying that i absolutely HATE storms. or should i say, i hate storms when i am experiencing them alone. i'm not ashamed to admit that i was the teenager who still ran into my parents room during extra scary middle-of-the-night storms. for me there's a comfort in being near other people during those moments. safety in numbers or something like that.

despite all that i found myself alone in my house late saturday night when irene started really pounding our area. i did choose to be alone. my entire family graciously offered up their spare bedrooms for me so i didn't have to ride it out alone. do they know me or what? haha! but i turned them down. i guess i was feeling brave or something. all was fine. i enjoyed my quiet evening at home and i was in the last 2 minutes of a cheesy hallmark movie (right when he was about to declare his undying love) and then it came on- the dreaded emergency broadcast system stating that there was a tornado warning for our county. i grabbed my pillow, a blanket, a candle, my phone and my laptop (priorities people) and traipsed down to the basement until the threat passed. by then the power went out and it was eerily dark. did i mention i don't really like the dark either?

i managed to put on my big girl panties though and suck it up. i told myself that this is a year of discovering just how strong i am and that i am capable of more than i imagined (with God's help of course). i stuck some earplugs in because the pounding wind and rain was so loud and went to sleep. when i woke up the power was still out, but i made it through just fine. add that one to the list of ever-growing new experiences.

over 24 hours later and my house is still out of power. it's ok though. it could be much worse. and i finally took my family up on their offer and slept at my sister's last night.

<---- waking up to this face is the best.

praying for those who were really impacted by this storm. it's been a crazy weather week for us east-coasters. looking forward to a week full of sunshine after all that rain.




much love,

 

year of promise

i remember, as we were entering into 2011, seeing a lot of bloggers talking about their "word" for the year. for some it was gratitude, for others it was patience and i decided that my word was promise. 2011 was going to be a year of promise. i wrote it on my chalkboard in the hall and i smiled as i passed it daily. after all, it did seem that 2011 was full of promises being fulfilled. i was planning my wedding, which to me was one of the biggest promises in my life that i felt God was finally answering. the year felt so full of hope and anticipation and that assurance of this being the year of promise excited me.

fast forward to today. 2011 is more than halfway over. and looking back now i have to be honest and say that it's felt more like a year of broken promises. after my fiance and i broke up in march i couldn't stand looking at that chalkboard. it felt like it was mocking me. so finally i erased that hopeful message. i was angry and hurt and broken and i didn't want to think about how long it would likely be until that promise of marriage would ever be fulfilled. so i came across a bible verse that had been speaking to me at the time and i put that in its place. and that's how it has remained.

over the last week or so God keeps bringing that word promise back to me. reminding me that he hasn't forgotten about our word for this year... had i? no of course i hadn't forgotten about it, but i was doing my best to shove it away. so much pain attached to that. little by little, in His gentle way, God has been reminding me that His promises to me are never broken. He didn't cause this to happen. He allowed it, yes, but His plans for me still remain intact... unmoved... unshaken by earthly circumstances.

so this morning i stood in front of that chalkboard and i wept. and i told God i was sorry for not trusting Him completely. for feeling like He failed me and disappointed me. and i thanked Him for staying by my side... for His faithful presence in one of the darkest times of my life. and then i erased the words and in its place i wrote:

2011
is
STILL
the year of
PROMISE

while i might not be getting married this year, there are still plenty of promises in my life that God is fulfilling this year. i hope to share some of them with you soon.

so i continue to take it one step at a time... surprised by how fast this year is moving and all that has happened in a short period of time...  it's not an easy road, but i wasn't ever promised that. i was promised that i wouldn't walk it alone and i can totally attest to truth in that. 

grace and peace,

 

ramblings from the heart

you know that saying you probably grew up hearing your mom say? "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it at all?" i think that's been my excuse for not blogging consistently. because everything i have wanted to say lately isn't exactly wrapped up in positivity and kindness. honestly, sometimes blogging scares me. putting my words out there to be etched permanently into this crazy world wide web? to be accessed by anyone, anywhere at any given time? makes me shudder sometimes to think about it. not to mention the fact that i'm in full time ministry (with a church and non-profit) and often share about my expeditions on here so i have friends all over the world who read here to keep up with my life. God forbid they find out i'm a normal human being like everyone else. kidding. sort of.

so i do my best to refrain from posting the awful thoughts that go through my mind during the day (and oh they come) but i guess i see how that could also give people the wrong perspective of me. yes, i love jesus and i try to be mindful of my tongue but i still curse... maybe not on my blog, but in real life? yeah it happens. is it something i'm aware of and trying to control? sure. same as how i try not to gossip but still fall into it at times. or how i'm working at being better at confronting people in love instead of avoiding and getting bitter. and no, i don't judge you when you do any of those things (on your blog or in real life). after all, who am i to judge? i can relate to paul when he wrote in 1 timothy 1:15b- "Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst." some days i do feel like the chief sinner but it ultimately always leads me back into the arms of my savior- right where i belong.

where am i going with this? not sure.

so yeah... lately i've been struggling with some anger... i admit, often times i don't understand why people do or don't do certain things. i realize we all have learned behavior but seriously? i feel like some things are obvious. like, if you make a mess- you clean it up. you don't walk away and think, "if i ignore it long enough it will just go away." newsflash! it doesn't! things don't just disappear, no matter how much you ignore them. why do we prolong the inevitable? if something is broken you make every effort to fix it... or at least you should... especially if you're the one who broke it in the first place. we all need to own up to our own responsibilities and actions. is it hard? yes. it's hard as crap. but life is hard. dealing with our pain and hurt is hard. admitting we were wrong is hard. asking for help is hard. it's all hard! but if it was easy it wouldn't mean as much, would it? when we can actually acknowlege those things to others we gain so much respect from them. why? because they know it took guts to do that. it took humility. it took placing someone elses needs and desires above your own. and that? well, that's love people.

oh lord, help me to be that kind of person who can quickly admit when i am wrong... give me a teachable heart and an attitude that desires to put others above myself. i have so much to learn here... and i can't do it without you.

wow. it felt really good to get that out. thanks for reading. :)


 

enjoy the ride

i spent this past weekend in the allegheny mountains in central pa alongside the other leaders at my church. it was a really refreshing time to get away and disconnect from our cell phones, internet and pretty much every other distraction we have here in the city where we live. my heart literally overflowed all weekend as we learned from each other and reaffirmed each others gifts and callings. i truly feel like i've entered into this new season in my life and i'm beginning to get excited about the future again.

one of the most special things we did this past weekend was give each person a turn in the "hot seat." they sat in the center of the room and everyone gave them a word of encouragement, or a verse they felt led to share... anything to speak life to the person and remind them of who they are. when it was my turn i found myself sitting there just ready to soak it in. normally i'd retreat inside myself because of the attention or because i didn't believe the things they were saying about me were true. not this time though... which really is HUGE for me. it just shows what a work God has been doing in my heart and for that i rejoice.

so many wonderful things were spoken over me. one in particular really stood out. one of our pastors read proverbs 31 to me. if you're unfamiliar with that passage it's a series of verses that describe a wife of noble character. it probably accurately depicts the kind of woman most of us desire to be. so as he's reading this the tears just start streaming down my face. he proceeds to tell me that although i am not married yet, i already am a wife of noble character. that just hit me like a ton of bricks. it was like God was redeeming those verses for me... honestly i haven't been able to read them or think about them since my engagement ended... mostly because he used to refer to me as his "proverbs 31 girl" and he had this song about it that he would play/sing to me and i loved that. so yeah, i think God knew exactly what he was doing when he had one of my pastors share that passage with me. i needed to be reminded of that and i think i was in a place where i was ready to hear it again.


i might not be married yet, but i can still exemplify those characteristics in my relationships with others and more importantly, my relationship with the Lord. i'm finally starting to realize what a treasure i am... i am valuable... i do have a lot to offer to people... i am worth loving! and i don't say that in a prideful or arrogant way, but it's rooted in a confidence in who God has created me to be and the unique gifting and calling that he has on my life.


life is full of unexpected twists and turns and boy do i know that firsthand. i like to compare it to a roller coaster ride. i don't know about you but my first reaction on a coaster is to hold on as tight as possible. as if by white-knuckling the bar somehow i will prevent myself from feeling the drops or the sharp turns. but then there are those moments... you know when you work up the nerve to let go of the bar... to raise your arms high in the air as you descend... to let yourself be tossed around like a rag doll... and those times? those times are when i smile real big. because it's freeing and exhilarating and you're not letting the fear keep you from fully experiencing all the ride has to offer. so that's what i'm trying to do. i'm letting go of the bar. and that means embracing who i am and who God has created me to be.

yes, there are still hard days. yes, i still cry and look back and wonder why. yes, i still have so many unanswered questions. but no longer are they ruling my life. they come and i give them the space they require to process and then i do my best to go about my day. by no means do i have any of this figured out completely yet and that's okay. this is the part where i throw my hands up, tilt my head back and  do my best to just enjoy the ride. who wants to sit next to me?  :)