Tuesday, February 28, 2012

conversations with a 5yo

on saturday night i babysat my 2 oldest nieces kyra and kylie for a few hours. i took them to a local gymnastics showcase where a friend's daughter was performing. on the car ride there i had a very interesting conversation with kyra who is 5 years old, just lost her first tooth and is wise beyond her years. the conversation was too precious not to share...

kyra: "aunt susie, you need a boy."

me: "oh, really?"

kyra: "well i mean a grown up boy."

me: "what do i need a grown up boy for?"

kyra: "for you to marry!"

me: trying not to laugh too much... "oh i see."

kyra: "he's gonna be perfect!"

me: "wow! so are you praying for me to find this perfect grown up boy?"

kyra: pause... "well... sometimes i forget."

me: definitely chuckling at this point... "try to remember, ok?"

kyra: "ok, i will."

oh, out of the mouth of babes. i think it's sweet that she wants to see me get married. heck, i wanna see it, too but all in due time i suppose. and i have heard that girl pray. let me tell you, she knows how to pour her little heart out to God and it's the most precious thing. i'll take all the prayers i can get kyra. especially yours.  :)

 grace and peace,

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

a new day

thank you all for your kind words on my last post. i appreciate all the prayers and support that you so freely give, especially on the hard days.

i think the one thing i've really learned over this last year is that it's ok to embrace the hard days. too often we're quick to push it away for fear of what people will think or that we'll lose ourselves in it. i know i was. and yeah, sometimes you can't really embrace them as fully because you have responsibilities, families to take care of, people depending on you. i get that, too.

i guess what i'm trying to say is that it's ok to be honest with yourself about where you're at... what you're struggling with... what you're wrestling through. we're all fractured human beings in need of saving and it's alright to acknowledge that every once in a while.

there's definitely a trend in blogging these days of "keeping it real" and i appreciate that. it's so easy to play the compare game and wonder why everyone else in the world has it together except for you. these spaces of ours on the world wide web can be so deceiving sometimes, and often unintentionally. we can't possibly share every part of our lives on here and what we choose to write only gives a glimpse into the bigger picture of what's really happening.

i'm not sure where i'm headed with all this. but for me, that's often a good thing.

letting go and just allowing things to happen naturally and freely is something i'm not always comfortable with, but it's where God has me- learning that things don't always happen as planned and sometimes surprises can be wonderful. being free to make mistakes and learn from them. not allowing them to define me or set me back. picking myself up, dusting myself off and trying a different way. it's what makes mornings so exceptional (well that and the coffee). the chance to start fresh. a new day with fresh possibilities.

perhaps there is a stirring of hope within me today? is that what this is? possibly. it's that or the diet coke making its way through my body. either way, i'll take it.

grace and peace,

Monday, February 13, 2012

warning: soul baring ahead

oh, hi.

yeah i haven't forgotten about this little blog 'o mine. kind of hard when you've been blogging for almost 12 years (5 on blogger and 7 on another platform). ok now that makes me feel old.

so i've been in a bit of a slump the last couple weeks. ironic given that my last post was all about how happy i felt and loved and all that jazz. and then it was like someone said, "oh you're finally feeling joy? let's see how you do when i throw a bunch of crap at you. where's your joy now?" *insert evil laugh*

at least that's how i picture it going in my mind.

and instead of being all, "yeah i got this. bring it on. nothing can steal my joy," i find myself breaking down. crying constantly. questioning everything and everyone around me. allowing those feelings of rejection to settle in my heart again. questioning God and His plan for me. afraid to open my heart to people. pushing people away with my brashness because i'm a control freak and take responsibility for everything. why do i care so much about everything? about details? about things no one else worries about?

the only positive thing is that this self-imposed isolation has given me lots of time to reflect on myself. i'm surprisingly self-aware. or at least that's what those closest to me say. but now that i'm aware of some of my "stuff" i guess i need to do something about it. sounds fun, doesn't it?

life is hard. relationships are hard. loving people is hard. and i suck at it most days.

i have this twisted theory in my head that people should love me because of all the millions of things that i DO. i mean come on. don't you see me always picking up the pieces for everything? organizing and planning so everything runs smooth? isn't that enough for you to love me?

but no, it isn't. people don't want you to do stuff for them. they just want you.

and yeah that's a scary thought for someone like me.

for someone who is addicted to receiving praise and affirmation for countless hours of work. for someone who believes her true worth is found in doing rather than being. for someone who so desperately wants to believe that she can be loved just for who she is, but doubts it every time it is said.

never mind the fact that i'm baring my soul to the internet. this feels like pure madness but i've been pretty raw and real on here over the last year so why stop now?

so i'm far from perfect. i know that. trust me, do i know that. but letting you all in on that dirty little secret (that's really no secret at all) is the hardest thing of all.

i guess there's a kind of relief and freedom that comes in knowing that i'm probably not alone in this. that there are many more of those closet performers who struggle just like me. and i try my hardest to take joy in knowing that God is refining me, moment by moment, even through the pain and the tears and what feels like constant testing. and that somehow, someway, this will produce a deeper faith in me. a deeper trust. every day i remind myself that i will not lose hope. it's what i cling to on days (or weeks) like this.

thanks for letting me share my heart with you today.
grace and peace,

i figure since i'm keeping it pretty real with this post today that i'd link up with my friend jess for her monday real linkup. hop on over if you want to find more people baring their soul to the internet. or just their dirty laundry. no literally- some of them really are showing you piles of dirty clothes. :)