Saturday, December 24, 2011

shepherds and angels

it hit me hard this morning.

christmas, that is.

or the real reason behind it. the weight of what it means.

i thought i'd be better this year at not buying into the hype and in many ways i was. i didn't over-spend. i sold things i wasn't using in order to buy gifts. i tried to be a good steward of what i had. but i did stay busy.

busy busy busy.

it's my vice. there's always more i can do. there's always more i should do... or so the voices say.

but it hit me hard this morning as i watched this video that i put together for our christmas eve service. i can't really take the credit for it. one of my pastors wrote it. i just made it look nice and added music really. needless to say it still took up countless hours of my week to work on. i tried to upload it so i could embed it here but that's not working out so well. bummer.

the basic gist of it is this:
when jesus was born the angels came from heaven to proclaim the news of his birth. but who did they come to tell? did they come to the religious leaders? to the rich? no. they came to shepherds. low of the low. unnoticed, unimportant to the rest of the world shepherds. the first people to hear of our saviors birth lived in fields... were probably dirty... were probably poor. my lord, THAT is the gospel right there! God chose to reveal himself first to the most unlikely group of people. that's what i love about God. he flips things around to force us to really think... to see... to listen and understand.

it's not about being put together. it's not about having the nicest gifts to give. and it certainly isn't about getting the greatest new thing. it's about humility. about allowing yourself to be broken. recognizing that you are broken. that you NEED Him. that you are nothing without Him. that if He hadn't sent His son as a tiny, little baby you would be completely lost and hopeless.

oh but joy of all joys, He did send His son as a precious little newborn... completely dependent upon the world in which He created... it's almost inconceivable really. the way in which God works leaves me completely undone.

so i'm reflecting on that today. rejoicing because no matter how much i try to put myself together i'm still in desperate need of saving, of forgiveness, of His bountiful love. and it's there just waiting for me to embrace it. it's there for you, too.

merry christmas friends,

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

single digits baby

sunday night was monumental for me. i left the gym after running 3.3 miles, headed to my local kohls, confidently grabbed a pair of size 8 levi's jeans and dashed into the dressing room quickly before someone caught a whiff of me. as i slipped on those single-digit pants i held my breath... i put one leg in... then the second leg in... pulled them up... secured the button... zipped the fly and... VICTORY! they fit! even after i released that breath.

so i did what any normal social-networking-crazed-woman would do- i snapped a photo with my iPhone and quickly took to twitter to share my joy!

within seconds the replies to my tweet came flying in and that's when i lost it. yes, i had a breakdown in the dressing room at kohls. i apologize to the other customers who had to hear my muffled sobs. i promise they were happy tears.

i sat down out of shock.

and then i stood up just to check myself out again.

just 11 short months ago i could barely fit in my size 16 jeans. i never thought single digit pants would be on my radar. i never thought i would run but yet i completed three 5k's in just two months and now i'm starting to train for a 10k. i never thought that i would be able to inspire people through my journey to health but somehow i find people telling me that i have and i am humbled.

and every single time i've taken to this blog or to facebook or instagram or twitter to share an accomplishment or milestone i am met by an overwhelming show of support. the tears that i shed in that dressing room weren't just for how far i've come but it was also for those of you that have come with me. that have cheered for me. that have congratulated me. that have motivated me to get off my butt and go run when i didn't feel like it. you can't place a value on that. to know that there are people out there rooting for your success... people you have never and maybe never will actually "meet?" it's incredible and so much of what i have been able to accomplish would not have been possible without YOU!

this year has been hard in so many ways but i know that i'm coming out of it a stronger, more confident, more beautiful woman. there were so many days where i felt alone and abandoned and after reflecting today i am reminded of how untrue that is.

i can and will set out to finish what i started and i hope you'll stick around to see it.

much love today,

Friday, December 9, 2011


today marks 4 years since what many of us, who experienced that day, refer to as "the shooting." in some ways it feels like another life ago but at the same time like it was just yesterday. i guess that's pretty common when you walk through a tragedy such as that. my heart always aches a bit more on this day, especially when i think about the families who are going through another holiday season without tiffany or phil. grief and loss are such difficult processes to walk through and i pray that God continues to bring peace and comfort to their families hearts.

i do rejoice today though in the lives that have been touched as a result of their sacrifice. God can and does use even the most tragic events to bring people to Him. as a result of tiff's scholarship fund several young people have had the opportunity to develop a passion for missions like she had. what an incredible legacy you have left my friend.

sending love to all my ywam family today. wishing i could sit and chat and hug each one of you. we're scattered all over the world now but i am so grateful that we can come together on this day and really remember.

grace and peace,

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

the in between

i realize it's been about... oh 3 weeks since i last posted and that post was from my first day out of ten that i spent in romania... so to say i'm behind would be an understatement. the fact that i didn't post anymore while i was in romania might give you a clue as to how busy we were and how little free time i had. there is more to be said about that trip and the experiences i had there and hopefully i'll be able to share some of them with you soon.

transitioning back into regular routine has proved difficult. i always find that "re-entry" after a missions trip, whether you were gone for 2 weeks or 3 months, is a tough process. transitioning between vastly different cultures can be tricky to navigate and it can really mess with your head and make you question everything, which is both a blessing and a curse.

so i did what any normal person would do. i hid. oh wait, that isn't normal? well sometimes it's normal to me. you know, what do you do when you don't want to deal with things like ummm your emotions? you avoid them. you watch endless hours of friday night lights. you sleep for 11 hours a night. or maybe that's just me. i guess we all have our methods of coping. don't judge.

couple all the emotions you've just experienced after sitting in a tiny 2-room home in romania that houses 10 kids under the age of 15 with all the emotions of jumping into this holiday season after getting engaged last christmas and then breaking up 2 1/2 months later and well... that's just a recipe for disaster folks. that's exactly what i've felt like. a disastrous mess of emotions including anger at anything that breathes and overwhelming sadness and hopelessness that i wish i still wasn't feeling. oh man, writing all of that out just makes me sound so crazy. but you all know i like to keep things real around here when i can.

despite the messiness i've still managed to maintain myself on weight watchers. i'm so close to my original goal of 70lbs... only about 12 away. just crazy. i ran another 5k only 2 days after getting home from romania. it was great because i got to run with my sister, who i adore obviously, and it was so special. we're running another one on saturday here in our city. the finish line is only a block from my house. fantastic! so i guess i'm a runner now? feels weird saying, but it has to be true. i've logged over 43 miles in the last 7 weeks. that must qualify me as something.  ;)

thanks for all the support and love during this season. special thanks to all my ladies on twitter for the encouragement lately. xoxo

grace and peace,

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

first day in romania

today was our first full day here in romania and honestly i feel like i've been here a week already. we had a jam-packed day and combined with the jet lag... well that's probably why i feel like that.

we had the opportunity to share at 3 different churches today with some friends of ours and it was amazing. i am once again humbled by the outpouring of love from the romanian people. they welcome us with open arms and are willing to wait sometimes hours for us to arrive to share with them. i count it a full privilege to be welcomed into their homes and churches so openly. we were able to pray for many people and lay hands on many who are sick... i am so excited to hear the reports from those who were healed because i KNOW God did so much today!

the 2nd church felt right at home to me as soon as i walked in because it was PACKED with children. it's no secret that i love kids and i especially love teaching children's messages. i knew once i stepped through that door that i would need to share with those precious kids. immediately i thought that i would share the story of david and goliath, so while someone else introduced us i quickly refreshed my memory on all the details of the story. i had a blast getting them all involved and doing my best to make it applicable to their lives today. i think it went really well. they seemed on the edge of their seats which is always a good sign. storytelling to children is so fun because you get to be silly and extra dramatic. haha. right up my alley!

overall it was a fabulous first day. please pray for God to continue to give us strength for the days ahead! tomorrow our day will start at 11am and they say we won't return to the hotel until midnight! oh my! this is not a trip for the faint of heart. it's tiring, but God's love must be spread. so thankful i get to be one of His tools to do it!

and thank you to all of you who are praying for us while we are here. your prayers are certainly felt. thank you thank you thank you!!!!

grace and peace,

Friday, November 4, 2011

it's travel time again

over the last 5 years i've gotten to travel to some incredible places around the world and develop relationships with some amazing people. i try not to take the opportunities i've had for granted and i feel so privileged to work alongside some of the most faithful servants i believe this world has to offer. this year was tough in so many ways, one of them being that it's the first year i haven't traveled to zambia after going for 4 years straight. while i have peace about that decision, it was still a hard one to make. traveling and sharing God's love with others has become a part of who i am... at least in this season of life.

in 2009 i had the opportunity to travel to romania with my parents and a few others. my parents have been going to romania for years. while there they spend a lot of time sharing at churches and encouraging the pastors and believers there. bibles are hard to come by for a lot of people so they've made it a personal mission to put a bible into as many hands as possible. i've witnessed firsthand the joy the people feel when they are given their very own bible- they way they hold it as their most precious treasure. it's humbling when i think about how much i take for granted- like the fact that i have access to my bible on my phone 24/7? yeah.

on monday night i'll be getting on a plane destined for eastern europe where i'll once again get to see and connect with some special people. i'll be in romania for 10 days traveling with my parents, my pastor and 2 dear friends of mine. i'm looking forward to getting out of my usual routine and being submersed in another culture for a while. i can't help it. i love these kinds of adventures. i do feel a bit under-prepared for this trip though. there has been so much going on the last few weeks that has taken my attention but i know God will move despite that. let's just hope i can get everything done before i leave monday. and if not? i suppose the world will still go on. just another lesson in relinquishing control i suppose.  :)

if you are able, please keep me and our team in prayer! pray for safety as we travel... pray that i am able to get some sleep on our overnight flight... i'm usually a terrible plane sleeper. pray that we would not only be prepared to give of ourselves, but that we would be open to receive what God has for us as well. i'm humbled that God can use me even in my broken, messed up state. i know it's when i'm the most weak that He is strong. that is certainly going to be my mantra for this trip. pray that when we have opportunities to speak that God would fill our mouth with His words that would encourage and bless the hearts of those listening.

i'll do my best to keep you updated along the way (thank God for international plans on the iphone). i have a favor to ask you? would you commit to pray for me while i'm away? i thought if i could get at least 10 people to choose one day to pray (or even fast if you feel so inclined), that would be amazing. what a way to stay connected together during this time! we leave this monday november 7th and return on wednesday november 16th. if you're able to would you just leave me a comment and tell me what day you'll commit to pray? if more than 10 people want to do this, then we can always have multiple people praying each day. you can't ever have enough prayer.  :)

thank you so much for your support in this. i'm so blessed by all of you!

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

in the meantime

today is a special day! i'm guest-posting over at my dear friend tatiana's blog today. she's doing a series called "her story" which features different women sharing parts of their life. i was so honored when she asked me to be a part of it. so click on over and check it out.

thanks again tatiana for letting me join in!
hope you all have a wonderful day!

Monday, October 31, 2011

part of the wreckage


these are words that a few years ago were barely in my vocabulary. but once i heard them... understood their meaning... i couldn't go back. you know those moments where you learn something you had been ignorant of for so long and you realize then that you have a choice? you can bury that new information... stuff it down so low that you don't have to think about it. or you can let it wreck you. and i mean that in the best way possible. you can let it wreck you to the point that your entire life changes and you are never the same again. i think out of those moments are birthed movements of justice... organizations that leave lasting impact... and people who become world changers.

a wise friend once told me that knowledge equals responsibility. i've never heard a more truer statement.

in 2009 i took a class that, i believe, altered the course of my life as i knew it. it was a class on racial reconciliation. we met once a week on wednesday night over the course of a few months. it was in that class that my eyes were opened to see the gospel in an entire new light. my heart broke as i saw my own inhumanity... as i recognized how little i understood about the principles of the kingdom of God... as i saw areas in my own heart that were clouded by racism and prejudice. i was faced with my own ignorance... a hard pill to swallow.

but i am forever grateful. God has woven my life together with some of the most incredibly beautiful, loving, tender-hearted people who are so uniquely different from me but yet add such richness to my life. i honestly don't know how i would have survived this year without them. without their prayers. their hugs. their tears. their love. i'm humbled by my community each and every day.

this weekend our church hosted a racial reconciliation conference. the course that i took over several months crammed into 2 days. it was our first time opening it up to the public and God brought the people together in such a beautiful way. as i sat through those teachings i allowed myself to be wrecked again. to be reminded of why i'm doing what i'm doing. why i live where i live. and boy did he wreck me. it forced me to look at some of my actions in the past, especially in regards to my relationship that ended this year, and i realized some of the damage i caused... some of the mistakes i made as a white woman in a relationship with a black man... how had i analyzed every area of our relationship except the racial dynamic? maybe it wasn't time until now for me to see it. i don't know. i can't change the things that happened but i can learn from them. i intend to do that.

i have so much more i could share on this topic but for now i'll leave it at that. oh being broken isn't fun and it isn't easy but it is so worth it.

grace and peace,

Thursday, October 27, 2011

let go

it's been a tough couple of weeks... thus the lack of posting. i know there have been moments on this blog when i was having a hard day and writing about it helped me process, but it's difficult sometimes to be that vulnerable and honest, especially when you have no idea who or how many people will read it. it's days like that where i'm grateful for the people who are present in my life to let me vent and cry as i try to put words to the emotions i'm feeling. not to negate the incredible encouragement i receive from this blog and those of you who read it- trust me, lord knows i am grateful for that, too. it's just that sometimes you need real arms to fall into and someone to pass you a tissue or two.... or a whole box in my case this week.

i thought that passing october 15th would magically release me into a world of peace and acceptance and yet here i am, still dealing with it. no, it's not consuming me but i'm faced with decisions and choices i never wanted to make. a friend at church asked me the other day what "season" i'm in right now. i was taken aback by the question and for this internal processor i needed time to think on it. so i have been pondering that and asking the Lord where i am and i keep coming back to "letting go." ugh. for a control... ok recovering control freak the words LET GO stir up all kinds of crazy feelings. the last thing a person who wants to feel in control does is let go. really God? is this some kind of sick joke?  if i let go, everything falls apart. or does it?

see that's the lie that wants to keep me attached to people, to expectations, to my work... that false need to control or fix or do everything. God is trying to teach me to let go... to just be... to rest. REST! what? who has time to rest? there's work to be done, isn't there? you should all be grateful that you can't hear my inner dialogue. for real.

last week i was sick. i had a head cold that wiped me out and i had no energy. by friday i was completely zapped. i knew i needed to stop and rest. my body needed that. but yet i struggled all day with my decision to stay home. was i really sick enough to be home? what about all the work i had to do? i could probably go into work. it's just a cold. then i hear it again- LET GO. susan, let go. give yourself a break. you are human. you get sick. the world will function without you for one day.

when oh when will i understand? letting go is supposed to be a freeing experience. when i was a kid i used to love jumping off the swings. we had this awesome wooden swing set that my dad built us. not like those plastic ones kids use today. the swings were wooden boards attached with ropes. we were hardcore like that. one of our favorite things to do was to swing really high and then fly off the swing and land, hopefully safe, on the ground. just thinking about that now makes me almost shudder in fear. but oh there was such joy in letting go. in soaring through the air so freely. what happens to us as we become adults that we lose the joy in letting go? there's a million answers for that i'm sure... i'm still trying to wrap my brain around mine.

even today... i have so much to do. i'm teaching a lesson at a prayer ministry school i co-lead tonight. and friday and saturday our church is hosting a racial reconciliation conference and i have so many loose ends to wrap up before 7am tomorrow. it won't all be perfect. i know that. and there's grace for me in that. even giving myself a few minutes to write this blog is hard knowing how much i have to do... but it's ok. it will be ok. God knows what He's doing. he can manage the universe much better than i can.

to all my other struggling-to-let-go-people... i'm with you. i get it. it's hard. we can do this. no, it won't happen overnight. but embrace the process. start where you can. and for goodness sake- give yourself a break every once in a while and rest, ok? :)

grace and peace to you today,

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

fixing my eyes

this week marks 7 months since my fiance and i broke up. 7 months. and today marks 10 days away from what was supposed to have been our wedding day. where has that time gone? sometimes it feels like a blur and others an eternity. i remember when we chose october 15th and i thought that day would never come. and now for the last 7 months it's been a day that i've wanted to ignore. can't we just skip that day altogether somehow? that's what i asked a friend of mine the other day. another friend said how sad they were when the month changed and they flipped their calendar only to see our wedding date written down. a harsh reminder of the reality of what happened. a reality i've had to live with every day for the last 7 months. and while it still hurts, the sting isn't so bad as it once was. that aching in my heart that i thought would never go away? it has, for the most part, subsided. that struggle to get out of bed? that's passed, too. the anger? meh... it's still there a bit. got to work on that i guess. hey- i'm not perfect.

tonight i read through some of my earlier posts when i was right in the thick of my pain. i was worried it might stir up crazy emotions, but i remained calm. looking back i'm amazed i even had the emotional capacity to write some of the things i did. those moments of strength were God-given for sure. grief is an interesting process. and yes, i do believe grief is exactly what i've been walking through these past 7 months. grief isn't caused by physical death alone. any major loss or disappointment in life could be categorized as grief and with it all those emotions and feelings as well. i think the hardest part in this grieving process for me has been letting go. letting go of that white-knuckle grip i want to have on my own future. that small semblance of control i think i have over how things will turn out. how i want things to turn out. that grip does me no good. how can i really see where i'm going when i'm constantly turning around to look back? there were several times during my 5k on friday when i wanted to look back. to take a glimpse and see who was behind me. who was about to pass me. but i resisted. i kept my focus on where i was going- not who i just passed- or who was about to pass me. it reminds me of this verse in hebrews:
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."  Hebrews 12:1-3
i want- no i need- to fix my eyes ahead- on Jesus. on the future that He has laid for me. on learning to live more intimately with Him. on connecting deeper with those around me. do i think it's wrong to look back? of course not. but i'd say that if i'm looking back long enough to trip or fall or miss a turn then my focus isn't in the right place. so that's my personal challenge i suppose. for myself. but if you're in a similar boat feel free to join me.

and now i leave you with one of my favorite quotes that i've had written in the back of my bible for years:
"O, tis a thought must melt a rock, and make a heart of iron move; that the joy which was set before Jesus, was principally the joy of saving you and me." C.H. Spurgeon
mmm... that's like a warm blanket on a cold day.

grace and peace to you today,

Monday, October 3, 2011

my first 5k

i'm struggling to find the right words to begin this post. part of me wants to start by saying "thank you" for all of your sweet comments and words of encouragement regarding my 5k on friday. the other part of me wants to start by saying how amazing it felt to accomplish something that once seemed so overwhelming. instead i'll show you some pretty sweet photos that my lovely sis captured.  ;)

you can't run your first 5k without having a cheesy photo of you crossing the finish line. but i love it.

overall, it was an awesome experience. i think there were a few hundred people who ended up running. the start happened so fast and before i had time to really think i about it i was off. it was hard to find my pace because there were so many people and it felt like they were going so fast. i had to remind myself to slow down and not focus on the other people. it started raining shortly after the race started and didn't let up the whole time. when i approached the finish line my entire family (and my bestie) was there cheering me on. it was so special to see them there supporting me and so proud of what i did! somehow i managed to keep the tears at bay. my sister is another story. haha! she's so sweet and has been my biggest cheerleader.  :)

after the race my entire family went and had dinner together. my little brother was even in town from california this weekend so having him there was amazing. my family is incredible. they spent their friday night standing in the rain watching me run and for that i am so grateful.

yesterday i saw a flyer at a store for a 5k in november. i might just be hooked.

much love,

Friday, September 30, 2011

this is it

today's the day. i'm running my first 5k.

sometimes i wonder how i got here. in june i attempted to run a mile with my brother at the beach and it was pure torture. i somehow managed to do it but i thought i was gonna die. i wanted to give up so many times, but my brother's constant "you can do it" and "just a little farther" managed to keep me going. when i finished i felt exhausted, but on top of the world. by God's grace i had completed something that seemed so ominous, so impossible. i loved that feeling. i wanted more of that. so when my neighbor told me about a local 5k and asked me to run with her i told her yes. i finally put that couch to 5k app on my phone to good use and started training. i love how it eases you into running. it kept me motivated and feeling like i accomplished something each time. love that.

last week i ran the longest i had yet. 20 minutes of non-stop running and i felt great. in fact i even cried when i finished. i was just overwhelmed with how far i have come physically and the things my body is capable of doing now and so very grateful for the pounds that i've been able to shed this year (54 baby- oh yeah!). on sunday i pushed myself and made it to 25 minutes- just over 2 miles. i was excited, but nervous for today. so on tuesday i decided i was going to go for 3 miles. i set my phone to a distance run of 3 miles and off i went. when the app notified me i had completed 1 mile i had to chuckle to myself because i thought back to that first mile at the beach with my brother. i remembered how hard that was and here i was about to run 2 more miles. about halfway through my 2nd mile i started to get nervous. it was hot. i was tired. i wanted to stop. it was such a mind game for me. if only you could have been in my head at the time hearing the pep talks i was giving myself. when i run i literally have to tell myself over and over again- "YOU CAN DO THIS! YOU ARE STRONG! DON'T STOP!" somehow it works. but that last mile was tough. i was so close to stopping but then the biebster came on with "never say never" and there was no way i was gonna let myself stop with that song blasting in my ears. thank you justin for your quirky pop music that somehow keeps my butt in gear.

i'm not gonna lie- when i finished i thought i was gonna hurl. i was exhausted. i had pushed myself to the limit. i thought i was gonna pass out. i didn't. i chugged some water and shared the good news with my neighbors. i sent text messages to my family that pretty much said, "holy crap i just ran 3 miles." haha. they encouraged me. they cheered me on. i tweeted it and got so much support. it's just so crazy to me that i'm here. that i am capable of doing this. wow.

so all that to say i think i'm ready for tonight. i'm nervous as heck but that's typical for me. whenever i get myself in a new situation and i have no idea how things are gonna turn out i go all type A and freak out. so a lot of that is happening today but it's all good. when the race starts i'm just gonna run and hopefully keep running until i cross that finish line. will i be crying? it's quite possible. just the thought of that finish line has set me into tears the last couple days. this is such an emotional experience for me... it's hard to explain. with everything that has happened this year- to be here... doing this... it's just nuts. and a testimony to God's grace and goodness. that he's managed to bring me through all the pain and struggle the past 6-7 months and produce a stronger, healthier person... it's humbling.

i could probably ramble on an on about this especially in my nervous state so i'll stop now. thanks for all the cheers and prayers. send them my way this evening around 6:30.  :)

much love,


Thursday, September 15, 2011


today i want to tell you about an amazing kid named moses.

moses just turned 12 years old but i've been blessed to know him since he was 8. i met moses the first time i traveled to zambia, africa in 2007. from the moment i met him i knew this kid was special. he had the most infectious smile and bright eyes and gave the best hugs. he was obviously loved by all those around him in the community and thankfully so because moses lost both of his parents when he was very young. his grandmother and older siblings looked after him, as well as countless others in the village. after my first visit to his village i didn't know how much my life would be changed by that experience and how many times i would end up traveling back there.

when i returned in 2008 moses was still there, albeit a little taller than the year before, but still moses. we had a joyous reunion and within minutes of arriving he was on my lap with his arms wrapped around my neck. oh what a glorious welcome that was. i'd never met a child whose heart was so open to love others. it challenged me on my own walls i kept around my heart. he had experienced so much loss in his short life but yet was able to give love so freely, without hesitation or fear. i got to see moses a lot that year because i stayed in the village for 3 months. i usually caught up with him after school when he was playing chingalungalo (i'm sure i just butchered that spelling). basically it's where they take an old bicycle rim and roll it using a stick to keep it balanced... i failed miserably at that game, but moses was a pro.

in 2009 i stayed for a month and was there with a friend for 2 weeks after our large team left. at this time moses had moved in with a good friend of mine who was able to really give him the attention and time he needed. i was staying in a tent right outside that hut so naturally i was with moses a lot, too. i'd make lunch for him every day... we ate tuna fish on crackers a lot cause that was his favorite. i took him into town with me so i could treat him to chicken, fries and an iced cold fanta. i let him come with us on the 8 hour ride back to the capital when we were headed home. he loved going to lusaka because that meant one-on-one time and lots of ice cream and coke dates. we cried at the airport that year when i headed home. you see, moses had been in the process of being adopted by a family in the US pretty much since i had known him. it was a long, up and down process that i know at times left him feeling discouraged and sad. he wanted to come to america so bad and start his life with his new family. goodbyes were never easy.

fast forward another year and i once again found myself in the village with little moses who was beginning to seem not so little anymore. this time there was excitement in the air because the adoption seemed to be wrapping up. his new mom would be arriving in the village just after we departed to stay and foster moses for at least 3 months. even though she had been supporting him financially from afar for YEARS the government required her to stay in the village and take care of him as her own for 3 months before they would finalize the adoption. our friends built her a house to stay in and while i was there we helped with the construction and even sewed curtains for all the windows. can you imagine traveling halfway around the world, leaving everyone you know and staying in a remote village for 3 months all so you can adopt a child? talk about LOVE.

we all prayed a lot last year that all the details would fall into place and by God's grace they did. they traveled home during Christmas... getting delayed because of crazy weather... but they made it. moses made it. he was finally here. his adoptive family only lives about 30 minutes from my house so we saw him right after he got home. it was crazy to see him here. to know that after all those years of praying, of hoping, of waiting, he was right where he belonged.

i'm no expert in the area of adoption and i'm sure the transition is different for every child, but moses has really done well. and that same sweet, special little boy that i knew in zambia is the same here. my parents take moses sometimes on the weekend (they came with me to zambia in 2009 & 2010 so they got to know him as well) if his mom has to go out of town or just to give him a change of pace and we all enjoy the time we get to spend with him. he even joined my family on our vacation to the beach this summer and we got to be with him as he saw the ocean for the first time. he has this uncanny ability to just adapt to his surroundings and be at home wherever he is. my family loves him as if he's our own and he loves us all right back. my nieces absolutely ADORE him. he taught them some african dancing and my niece kylie proudly shakes her little booty and declares to everyone that she's doing the moses dance. it's precious.

i know this post is getting long, but i just had to share some of moses' story with you. he really is the most incredible kid and just last month he invited jesus into his heart and couldn't wait to share the good news with all of us. it fills my heart with such joy to know that his needs are being met... physically, emotionally and spiritually. and this probably won't be the last time you hear me talk about moses. he's already made it clear that whenever i go back to zambia i have to take him with me, which is fine by me. he makes a great travel buddy.

thanks for taking time to read this. if you can, say a prayer for moses. that his transition would continue to go well. for his family that's still back in zambia and missing him dearly. for all the people out there making incredible sacrifices to bring their children home.

much love,


Thursday, September 8, 2011

reflecting on my 20s

i'm 29 today. all week i've been asking myself where my twenties went, but then tonight i started to really think about it and i know exactly where they went...

i spent some of it working for my family's business, alongside my best friends. long days, but fun days. traveling around the east coast and getting paid to sleep in nice hotels and eat at fancy restaurants. oh those were the days. and i thought life was so hard back then... oh if i only knew, right lyryn?

i spent almost a year of it with ywam... meeting new people... learning that i could survive away from home. tragedy struck that year, but God brought me through and i realized the value of living life in community with others.

i jumped into the life of full-time ministry after leaving my 9-5 job. although there are days i miss the structure of a 9-5 i wouldn't trade what i'm doing for the world. i have grown and been stretched in so many ways because of it and i think God knew that's exactly what i needed.

i spent time seeing the world. i went to 7 countries... mexico, chile, costa rica, panama, england, romania and zambia... heck i even lived in zambia for 3 months... the time spent in those countries has greatly shaped the person i am today and i'm so blessed to have had those experiences.

i've watched as those i love the most made lifelong commitments... then babies started arriving (and i have a feeling will continue to arrive for quite some time)... and i became an aunt to 3 beautiful little girls and 1 handsome little guy.

i bought a house and spent lots of time turning it into my home. i feel like this home was such a special gift and i'm doing what i can to take the best care of it possible. i love that when people come here they always remark on how calm and peaceful it is. it's definitely my little safe haven so i love that other people feel that way, too.

i could go on and on about the beautiful and painful things i've experienced so far but that would take far too long. all i know is that i am grateful for this life that i get to live and i'm doing my best to embrace this season that i'm in. i'm gonna milk my 20s for all it's worth... even if that's only 1 more year.  :)


Friday, September 2, 2011

he has arrived

oh my goodness it has been a crazy, busy week- but thankfully a good one!

last night my sil kesh gave birth to a beautiful (and big) baby boy! i finally have a nephew after my 3 nieces. he weighed in at 10lbs 5oz! he now holds the record for highest birth weight in the family- not me! haha! he crushed my 9lb 11oz record and i gladly pass the title over to him.

oh paxton james you have already captured our hearts. we are so excited to have you join our family. we're a crazy bunch but i think you're gonna like us. i pray that like your name, you live a life full of peace and bring joy to all you meet.

ahhhh i just love me some squishy newborns! thank you God for this precious little life!

have a great weekend!


Monday, August 29, 2011

rain, rain, go away

i've made it through more than i thought i was capable of this year. now i can add hurricane to that list.

let me preface by saying that i absolutely HATE storms. or should i say, i hate storms when i am experiencing them alone. i'm not ashamed to admit that i was the teenager who still ran into my parents room during extra scary middle-of-the-night storms. for me there's a comfort in being near other people during those moments. safety in numbers or something like that.

despite all that i found myself alone in my house late saturday night when irene started really pounding our area. i did choose to be alone. my entire family graciously offered up their spare bedrooms for me so i didn't have to ride it out alone. do they know me or what? haha! but i turned them down. i guess i was feeling brave or something. all was fine. i enjoyed my quiet evening at home and i was in the last 2 minutes of a cheesy hallmark movie (right when he was about to declare his undying love) and then it came on- the dreaded emergency broadcast system stating that there was a tornado warning for our county. i grabbed my pillow, a blanket, a candle, my phone and my laptop (priorities people) and traipsed down to the basement until the threat passed. by then the power went out and it was eerily dark. did i mention i don't really like the dark either?

i managed to put on my big girl panties though and suck it up. i told myself that this is a year of discovering just how strong i am and that i am capable of more than i imagined (with God's help of course). i stuck some earplugs in because the pounding wind and rain was so loud and went to sleep. when i woke up the power was still out, but i made it through just fine. add that one to the list of ever-growing new experiences.

over 24 hours later and my house is still out of power. it's ok though. it could be much worse. and i finally took my family up on their offer and slept at my sister's last night.

<---- waking up to this face is the best.

praying for those who were really impacted by this storm. it's been a crazy weather week for us east-coasters. looking forward to a week full of sunshine after all that rain.

much love,


Tuesday, August 23, 2011

update and ww vlog

it's been almost 8 full months since i jumped on the weight watchers bandwagon and things sure have changed... mainly me. i feel like i have grown so much during this process and discovered things about myself that i knew were there but that i had hidden under layers of shame and fear. with each goal and milestone reached i feel myself becoming more of the person i'm supposed to be... the person i've always wanted to be. if weight's been a struggle most of your adult life (or even your whole life) then you can probably understand. it's hard to explain but i guess i just feel more free... less of that trapped-in-your-body-feeling that i felt for so long.

i could probably go on and on about that whole subject but we'll save that for another post! my sister kate and i were hanging out yesterday and decided we should really do another vlog since it had been... oh months since our last one. we had to record it twice due to user error so this one starts off with me cracking up... haha... this is real life people. enjoy!

Weight Watchers vlog 3 from Katie Balla on Vimeo.

as always- thanks for the support and encouragement. i'm convinced social media has been a major motivator for me in all of this. knowing i have others alongside me going through this and getting the cheers and love from all of you keeps me going! last week i posted this photo on facebook and the response was overwhelming. i'm so humbled to be surrounded by such awesome people. seriously. you all rock.

much love,


Sunday, August 21, 2011

struggling-to-stay-silent sunday

this week i
  • walked the mall with my SIL... we are all eager to meet the new baby boy!
  • discovered my love for fiber one brownies (only 2pts) and then was sad when i went to get more last night and the grocery store was out! for shame!
  • got crafty... i made a mason jar soap dispenser, toilet paper roll wall art and a painted canvas with chipboard letters. so excited to have the creative juices flowing again!
  • got to have sonic with my dear friend jenny after a fun night at the outlets where i scored the most beautiful duvet at the PB outlet... hope to show you that soon!
  • saw a rainbow... i have been praying for a rainbow sighting... these past few weeks have been very emotionally taxing and i needed a visual reminder of God's promise and boy did he give it to me! one of the biggest rainbows i've ever seen. thanks jesus!
happy sunday!


ps- i redid my blog last night so if you're reading through google reader, pop on over and let me know what you think :)

Monday, August 15, 2011

happy birthday lyryn!

today is a special day... today my best friend turns 29 (which also means my 29th birthday is right around the corner... yikes).

i've been lucky enough to have lyryn in my life for over 11 years now and her friendship has been a gift from the beginning. i know God brought us both together right when we needed it the most. some friends come and go, but lyryn isn't one of them. she is one of the most loyal people i know and will stand by you through thick and thin. she doesn't let anyone stand in the way of the people she loves and i admire that in her so much.

on friday night we had a girls night out to celebrate lyryn and it was a blast. honestly going into it i wasn't sure how i felt about it. i don't go out much and usually prefer staying at home but it felt so good to get out. it was especially fun to curl my hair, put on a cute dress and hit the town with some incredible ladies. i needed that so much... i think we all did. we laughed... we even cried... but most of all we celebrated life. we're all in different seasons of it but yet still find so many things to relate on. it's  a beautiful thing.

so here's to you lyryn and another incredible year ahead! thank you for being there with me through the ups and downs in life... for believing in me... for loving me. you are an amazing friend, sister, wife, mother and so much more. i love you forever and ever!


Friday, July 29, 2011


the other day i tried to sit in complete, distraction-fee silence for 10 minutes. have you ever tried that? i thought i was going to sit in silence and get all these wonderful revelations from God that would spark my energy for the day.

what i got instead was all the millions of thoughts swarming around in my brain. quieting those voices is a task not easily maneuvered. sometimes we are our own worst enemy i suppose. here i thought i had eliminated the distractions, but there is one i can't ever eliminate- myself.

sometimes the biggest challenge we face each day isn't from those around us. it isn't our mounting to-do list or the endless pile of dishes. it's our own insecurities, doubts and pressures that we put on ourselves to be "just right" or to do things the way so-and-so would.

i suppose the ultimate challenge is letting go of the expectations we place on ourselves and letting ourselves just be still.

i realize that sitting in silence and not getting distracted by your own wandering thoughts is a discipline that needs to be practiced. and i hope to continue to work on it. in fact, i'm gonna go do that right now.

let's hope i don't get distracted by the dishes.

have a great weekend.


linking up with (in)courage for five minute friday.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

year of promise

i remember, as we were entering into 2011, seeing a lot of bloggers talking about their "word" for the year. for some it was gratitude, for others it was patience and i decided that my word was promise. 2011 was going to be a year of promise. i wrote it on my chalkboard in the hall and i smiled as i passed it daily. after all, it did seem that 2011 was full of promises being fulfilled. i was planning my wedding, which to me was one of the biggest promises in my life that i felt God was finally answering. the year felt so full of hope and anticipation and that assurance of this being the year of promise excited me.

fast forward to today. 2011 is more than halfway over. and looking back now i have to be honest and say that it's felt more like a year of broken promises. after my fiance and i broke up in march i couldn't stand looking at that chalkboard. it felt like it was mocking me. so finally i erased that hopeful message. i was angry and hurt and broken and i didn't want to think about how long it would likely be until that promise of marriage would ever be fulfilled. so i came across a bible verse that had been speaking to me at the time and i put that in its place. and that's how it has remained.

over the last week or so God keeps bringing that word promise back to me. reminding me that he hasn't forgotten about our word for this year... had i? no of course i hadn't forgotten about it, but i was doing my best to shove it away. so much pain attached to that. little by little, in His gentle way, God has been reminding me that His promises to me are never broken. He didn't cause this to happen. He allowed it, yes, but His plans for me still remain intact... unmoved... unshaken by earthly circumstances.

so this morning i stood in front of that chalkboard and i wept. and i told God i was sorry for not trusting Him completely. for feeling like He failed me and disappointed me. and i thanked Him for staying by my side... for His faithful presence in one of the darkest times of my life. and then i erased the words and in its place i wrote:
the year of

while i might not be getting married this year, there are still plenty of promises in my life that God is fulfilling this year. i hope to share some of them with you soon.

so i continue to take it one step at a time... surprised by how fast this year is moving and all that has happened in a short period of time...  it's not an easy road, but i wasn't ever promised that. i was promised that i wouldn't walk it alone and i can totally attest to truth in that. 

grace and peace,


Tuesday, July 12, 2011

for the love of potential

yesterday i read this post from kelle hampton's blog and as soon as i read the first line i literally laughed out loud. she talked about how she's addicted to the idea of potential and the euphoria that comes with possibility and i can so relate to that.

i can spend hours searching for beautiful things to create (thank you pinterest) but how many hours do i spend actually doing the creating? i bookmark image upon image and dream of the day i'll finally do this project or that project. or dreaming about jetting off to this country or that island. sometimes i'll be sitting in my office and the urge to clean my house will come upon me. what happens when i finally get home? not the desire to clean, that's for sure.

i can walk through home goods or ross and my heart starts racing when i see the potential in this hodge podge of stuff and all the decorating ideas shoved deep into the recesses of my brain start bouncing around and then i have to force myself to stop and take everything in slowly. i'm not kidding people. this is really what happens to me. don't even get me started on clearance aisles or the dollar spot at target.

and please tell me that someone else experiences this, too? i doubt i'm alone but i don't blame you if you don't want to own up to it. haha

i guess the challenge is figuring out how to channel this love of potential into the act of doing. i think sometimes it's because we have these expectations that it's going to be so wonderful and we'd rather hold onto the expectation than come to grips with the reality that it might not be so great. take for instance my day yesterday. i went to the park with my sister and her daughter. we met up with my best friend lyryn and her boys. it was hot and humid and there were way too many big kids running around with water guns and somehow i always seemed to end up in their crossfire. regardless, it was emeline's first time at a splash park so kate and i were trying to help her discover the fun that could be had. there were a few special moments tucked in there but it mostly consisted of trying to get her to actually stay in the splash park and not run over to the playground where all the big kids were. and did i mention it was hot? after almost 2 hours we were pretty much done. by the time we got in the car kate and i were miserable. we were hot and sweaty and dehydrated... and i just looked at kate and said, "how do people do this? it's so exhausting." and there was only 1 kid between the 2 of us! on the way home we talked about how sometimes it's just easier to stay home and avoid the stress of it all. but when you look at the pictures (kate posted a few on her blog today) you see the special moments. you see the cuteness of kids running around in their swimsuits, screaming out in delight when they get splashed or the discovery of a little tube on the playground that is so exciting to a 1 year old. and you're glad you went. yeah, maybe it wasn't all you dreamed it would be, but life rarely is.

photo courtesy of my sister kate

it's so easy to look at other blogs and wish we had that life or wonder why ours isn't so perfect. but remember- it's a small glimpse into a bigger picture of what's really going on. we all have hot, humid, sticky, frustrating days. but we also all have beautiful special moments tucked in there just waiting to be discovered.

so while i do enjoy dreaming off all that could be i don't want to miss those moments of actually doing those things that give me joy and are life-giving. it's something i need to remind myself of daily.

hope you find your beautiful moments today!


Monday, July 11, 2011

connecting for a cause

i'm always amazed at the power of the internet. yeah, it has it downsides, but it's also a very powerful tool to connect people and stories and ultimately even change lives. if you've been a follower of my blog for a while you might remember when i posted a request a year and a half ago to raise funds for a deaf school in zambia. 38 kids were in need of mattresses and i saw with my own eyes that all they slept on was wood slats. i put out my request and within days we had raised over $1,400. a couple months later i joyfully shared the photos of these beautiful children with their new pile of mattresses and i was once again blown away by the generosity of strangers.

so you see, we have the power to do so much good with this tool! today i'm going to share another opportunity with you. i have a friend, who i have known since junior high, who is desiring to adopt a little girl from the democratic republic of congo (that's in africa in case geography isn't your thing- and it's also next to zambia which is a country near and dear to my heart). her and her husband have 2 adorable little boys and this little girl will complete their beautiful little family.

right now on their blog they are hosting a giveaway for an iPad2. tickets are $10 each and all the proceeds will be going towards their adoption fees. currently they are trying to raise $5,500 to cover their home study and first agency fees. what an exciting way to be a part of this beautiful story! please click on over to their blog, buy a ticket, follow their journey...

it's so incredible that we can partner together in literally CHANGING LIVES! i love it!

thanks for reading and even if you can't give financially, please show them some love on their blog- tweet about this giveaway- let's get the word out so they can bring their baby girl home.

have a great day!


Thursday, July 7, 2011

proof in pictures

i went to the doctor today. turns out i have bronchitis. a mild case, but bronchitis none-the-less. i'm glad i went. my chest has been hurting for days and i had a feeling it was more than just a little cold. i'm on antibiotics now so hopefully things will clear up quickly. but alas, this is not the reason for my post.

i used to hate going to the doctors and that was primarily for one reason. the dreaded scale. what is it about those scales at the doctors offices that's so intimidating? i think it probably has to do with the fact that a perfect stranger is standing there adjusting the scale to find your dreaded number. suddenly it's as if you're sharing this intimate moment with someone you just met. after all, for some of us our weight is one of our deepest darkest secrets and God forbid someone knows the truth. please tell me i'm not the only one who has had these thoughts?

all that to say, today i had none of those feelings. when the nurse called my name she apologized and said that i would have to get weighed today because i hadn't been there in so long. i told her that was fine and happily jumped up on that scale because i'm proud of where i am today. i was extra excited when it was only a pound different from what my scale at home said before i left. sometimes i swear those digital at-home scales are way off, but mine is actually right on.

so get ready. i'm about to share one of my deepest, darkest secrets with you...

i snuck a peek at my chart to see what i weighed the last time they weighed me there (it was 2008 btw- i'm so bad about going to the doctor). it said 221. yup, that's 221lbs. and when i weighed in on my first day of weight watchers this past january? 224. oh dear jesus, hold me now. did i really just put that out there on the web? i guess so.

today their scale said 184. yeah that's 40 lbs people. no wonder i was so stoked to jump on that scale. my doctor was absolutely thrilled with my weight loss and encouraged me to keep going, which i thoroughly plan on doing! and even though 184 sounds great when compared to 224, i still have more journey ahead of me. i can't wait to bust into the 170s and so on and so on. honestly, i cannot tell you how great it feels to be in control of my body in a positive way. i am changing for the better and it is so much fun! this week i fit into size 10 shorts from the loft. i haven't worn a size 10 since i was 20 and i'm almost 29! at target the other day i snagged a dress off the clearance rack in size medium and IT FIT! who is this girl? seriously? you mean 16s and XLs aren't in my clothing vocabulary anymore? wow. i'm just amazed.

if you would have asked me back in january if i thought i'd feel this good about my body today i don't know what i would have told you. every day i get more comfortable in my skin. every day i am shrinking in size, but growing in confidence. sometimes i get this crazy irrational fear that maybe i haven't actually lost weight. maybe it's in my head. yeah, that's a bunch of nonsense. just look at old pictures, sue. you have done this and you are going to continue to do this.

i browsed through some photos and found a couple full body shots... one from 2008 and one from january of this year. below that you'll see a couple shots taken at the beach last week. i'd say the change is pretty obvious. these are definitely not before and afters because i'm still in the middle of this weight loss journey but i think it's good to stop and reflect on how far i've come and to encourage myself to keep at it. see for yourself.

so the proof is in the pictures i guess. i'm not crazy after all! haha!
thanks for all of your support and encouragement as i keep on trucking through this!


Wednesday, July 6, 2011

one for the birds

i have my mother to thank for my love of birds. her backyard is pretty much a bird sanctuary, what with her dozens of feeders, bird houses and wide variety of trees for them to nest in. she's got the book and binoculars and many summer mornings you can find her sitting on the patio trying to find her favorite ones. it's no surprise that when i moved into my house last year i wanted to be able to observe birds, too. but hello... i live in the city. in a townhouse. i don't have a sprawling backyard. or really any backyard for that matter. there is a row of bush-like tree things behind my house though and throughout last summer i realized that a lot of little birdies called them home. so i went out and bought a feeder that stuck to my dining room window so i could watch them eat. and eat they did. i loved watching them in the morning while i had my coffee and got used to the noise of their wings hitting the window, signaling that someone was trying to eat. i learned to be stealth so as not to scare them away. so imagine my disappointment when i hung the feeder this year and it crashed to the ground, the plastic shattering into a dozen pieces. my house is built into a hill so the dining room window is actually 2nd story and not ground level. i was bummed. and so the search for a new feeder began.

the search actually proved to be really difficult. finding a feeder that could hang on a window and didn't cost an arm and a leg was frustrating. one sunday though i ended up at lunch with my parents and they needed to run into the local hardware store. and there it was. the perfect feeder. my dad was kind enough to buy it for me once i explained how much i wanted to be able to watch the birds just like mom. she's converted him into a bird lover, too. i was so excited to put it up once i got home. i filled it with seed, stuck those suction cups good and tight to the window and waited. and i waited and i waited and i waited. i thought for sure those birds would show up any second to devour that precious seed. but they didn't. and it stayed that way for days and then weeks. every day i'd look at the feeder and notice that the level of food stayed the same. i couldn't figure out why they hadn't found it yet. one of the bushes behind my house fruits some berries so i thought maybe they were feeding off that. and then yesterday it happened. i heard the sound of wings hitting the window. i ran over and opened the blinds, which obviously scared him away, but i knew he'd be back. and he was. along with a friend. i grabbed my camera and slowly neared the window hoping to capture this momentous occasion.
as you can see from the photos, i did. and in the last 24 hours those birds have been going at it. the feeder is almost empty already. i don't how they can stuff any more seed in those tiny little birdie bellies, but they're doing it. in fact, i think they're becoming a bit greedy. this morning i've been watching them literally peck one another to keep them from getting the food. i realize this is nature and the cycle of life and all that jazz but i found myself getting angry about it. i wanted to yell at the bully birds who weren't letting the smaller ones get any food. i even contemplated taking away the whole feeder to teach them all a lesson. now, that almost makes me sound crazy. and it got me thinking...

is this how God feels sometimes? watching us fighting each other and pushing other people down so we can get ahead? taking more than we need while people around us go without? and how easily God could just take everything away from all of us to "teach us a lesson," but yet he doesn't. instead i think he is longing for us to just get it. to see that life isn't about gaining more and more for ourselves but that its in the act of giving away that we truly gain. i think He desires for us to really understand what it means to live content with what we have... to share when we have abundance... to come alongside each other and build one another up. and oh i have so far to go on this journey but God is convicting me of this more and more each day. i don't know exactly what it looks like but i think the change has to happen in the heart first so that it can then overflow from there.

so that's my prayer today. start with me lord. make me content in all things. remove my desire for more "things" that bring no lasting satisfaction. i don't want to be tied down to my possessions. i don't want to hoard what i have. God, forgive me for my selfish ways and for not always responding when you tell me to give. change my heart God. show me how to be more like you. less of me God and more of you.

in His love and grace,


Wednesday, June 22, 2011

ramblings from the heart

you know that saying you probably grew up hearing your mom say? "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it at all?" i think that's been my excuse for not blogging consistently. because everything i have wanted to say lately isn't exactly wrapped up in positivity and kindness. honestly, sometimes blogging scares me. putting my words out there to be etched permanently into this crazy world wide web? to be accessed by anyone, anywhere at any given time? makes me shudder sometimes to think about it. not to mention the fact that i'm in full time ministry (with a church and non-profit) and often share about my expeditions on here so i have friends all over the world who read here to keep up with my life. God forbid they find out i'm a normal human being like everyone else. kidding. sort of.

so i do my best to refrain from posting the awful thoughts that go through my mind during the day (and oh they come) but i guess i see how that could also give people the wrong perspective of me. yes, i love jesus and i try to be mindful of my tongue but i still curse... maybe not on my blog, but in real life? yeah it happens. is it something i'm aware of and trying to control? sure. same as how i try not to gossip but still fall into it at times. or how i'm working at being better at confronting people in love instead of avoiding and getting bitter. and no, i don't judge you when you do any of those things (on your blog or in real life). after all, who am i to judge? i can relate to paul when he wrote in 1 timothy 1:15b- "Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst." some days i do feel like the chief sinner but it ultimately always leads me back into the arms of my savior- right where i belong.

where am i going with this? not sure.

so yeah... lately i've been struggling with some anger... i admit, often times i don't understand why people do or don't do certain things. i realize we all have learned behavior but seriously? i feel like some things are obvious. like, if you make a mess- you clean it up. you don't walk away and think, "if i ignore it long enough it will just go away." newsflash! it doesn't! things don't just disappear, no matter how much you ignore them. why do we prolong the inevitable? if something is broken you make every effort to fix it... or at least you should... especially if you're the one who broke it in the first place. we all need to own up to our own responsibilities and actions. is it hard? yes. it's hard as crap. but life is hard. dealing with our pain and hurt is hard. admitting we were wrong is hard. asking for help is hard. it's all hard! but if it was easy it wouldn't mean as much, would it? when we can actually acknowlege those things to others we gain so much respect from them. why? because they know it took guts to do that. it took humility. it took placing someone elses needs and desires above your own. and that? well, that's love people.

oh lord, help me to be that kind of person who can quickly admit when i am wrong... give me a teachable heart and an attitude that desires to put others above myself. i have so much to learn here... and i can't do it without you.

wow. it felt really good to get that out. thanks for reading. :)