Wednesday, May 2, 2012

there is hope

this week i've been battling the all-too-familiar balancing act of emotions. maybe you know what i'm talking about... the one where you're experiencing such drasticly different feelings at times and struggling with knowing what to feel, how to feel and when exactly to feel it.

you see, life has been good lately. better than good actually. i'm at such peace with where i am physically... i mean i lost 33% of my body weight. sure, i wish i had a flat stomach but i really can't complain when i look at how far i've come. and then i have this incredible man in my life who manages to make me feel special every single day. the joy runs deep there.

i could go on and on about the beautiful moments in the last week alone, but in the midst of all that there has also been the slam of the harsh reality of life... and the fragility of it. on Saturday a student in a class i facilitate and teach through my church passed away unexpectedly. it was shocking to say the least. days before that 2 of our other students each lost a parent (one a mother and one a father). the weight of loss has been heavy. over the weekend i found myself in 'push forward' mode. by monday i was emotionally exhausted. being alone for the first time in days, for an extended period of time, allowed me to finally connect with the emotions that i had tried to bury and the tears came... and came... and came. i needed that release. i needed to feel it. to express it.

i realized what i had been battling all weekend was confusion over what i should be feeling. on one hand there was sadness for those suffering and for lives lost... and on the other there was joy as i spent most of the weekend with jeff (celebrating his birthday in fact). when i felt sad i felt guilty for not feeling happy. and when i felt happy i felt guilty for not feeling sad. i don't know why i put such pressure on myself to identify with one emotion or the other...

i was sharing all of that with my mom last night and she encouraged me that it was ok to feel both ways and that God often brings us beautiful, joy-filled moments in the midst of dark times to remind us that there is hope! so i'm doing my best to embrace whatever emotion comes my way and once again to be present wherever i am. i would appreciate your prayers for me and the other leaders as our class meets tomorrow night and we work to create a space where the students can process what has happened... and please pray for his family and girlfriend (also a student in the class) as this is obviously a very difficult time.

grace and peace,

 

9 comments:

Katie @ Loves of Life said...

Will be praying...and thanks for sharing some of this with me this morning. Love you sissy.

Gina said...

We just lost a 6 year old boy unexpectedly at our church last week too. And his dad just lost his mom three days prior. It's so hard. I'll be praying for you and your student's loved ones. XOXO

Taylor said...

Praying for you, love! You have such a big heart and that is an incredible gift.

Hailey @ Me and My Boys said...

That's such a tough balancing act. Will definitely pray for the families and for you too.

Melissa said...

Oh, girl! Grief is just such a terrible thing to have to experience. And feeling guilty when you have one emotion over the other - totally normal. Praying for you!

rocketmommy said...

You are so sweet for feeling the way you feel for others. You have such a wonderful heart. We will most definitely be praying for you and your friends.

Ruth Witmer said...

God is our Hope, Our ever present help in time of need! We are truly never without Hope as long as we have Him! Keep shining my beautiful daughter! I love you so much and am so thankful for your life! Mom

The Crummy Chronicles said...

Wow that is a lot of mixed emotions. I also struggle at times with feeling like I need to be more balanced with feeling one certain emotion- but sometimes I feel like there is a pinball in my head hitting all of the emotional triggers at once. I think it's something we feel as females. We're so good at multitasking that our emotions multitask too. And God doesn't make mistakes so He made us that way for a reason even though it's frustrating at times.

I'll be praying for your students.

AML said...

Battling with confusion and showing your both sides are perfectly normal. Sometimes, all you have to do is let it out. I think it is perfectly okey to be guilty about it, because that is the real you.Great post!