i feel this stirring in my heart that i honestly have not felt in years. let me explain.
last night i went to my regular young adult group meeting and we decided it was going to be a prayer and worship night. we laid out some specific things that we wanted to pray for and then let the worship begin. one of the guys had put together a mix of worship songs, but he added rain to the background of it. when i heard that rain my first thought was, "not more rain!" it rained so hard yesterday and honestly it had totally effected my mood. i came to group feeling down and worn out. but as i let the worship music wash over my spirit i realized that rain was exactly what i needed to wash my filthy heart. it actually made me quite peaceful which was the opposite effect the physical rain had on me earlier that day.
as we began to pray and intercede for our friends and their situations i couldn't help but cry at the way God's heart breaks for us and our situations. we do not serve a distant God who walks away when life is hard. no our God is right there in the middle of our circumstances begging us to draw closer to him. begging us to let him be the bearer of our burdens. begging us to let go and trust him. i was so blessed hearing the prayers of those around me. the sincerity and honesty and rawness in our prayers was something i feel we've hidden.
the more we worshipped and prayed the more i felt the presence of God fall in that room and in a way that i haven't felt since... well honestly, since i was a teenager. God reminded me of all the times as teens that we would sit and cry out for God to move and we would wait for hours if that's what it took. we weren't worried about our agendas or getting home. we just wanted more of the lord no matter what it took. i felt the lord so strongly say "remember the cries of your youth... remember the cries of your youth." it was so heavy within me that i couldn't help but verbally speak it out, that's how much it was overwhelming me. i wept for myself and the lack of distance i've come in my relationship with the lord. i've allowed so many things to keep me from going deeper including my rational mind and my selfish desires.
i don't want to hold back from the lord anymore. i don't want to be satisfied with where i am in my relationship with my savior. i want to press in more, to know God more, to know his heartbeat... to embrace his heartbeat as my own till i can't recognize the difference between his and mine.