Friday, January 8, 2010

new year, new eyes

i'm in a good mood today so i figured that's an excuse to blog. i'll admit i've been seriously lacking on the blog-writing front. i think i'm suffering from a blog-identity crisis. is this a place where i write about my daily happenings? a place to document my random thoughts? a place where i share about my worldly adventures? yes, yes and yes. it is all of the above and probably more and i think that's ok. this blog is my little corner of the world to share what i want and it doesn't have to flow perfectly together, because let's face it- my life doesn't always flow like a calm little stream. it's more like a raging river with lots of rocks and waterfalls, but that's so much more exciting.

i feel like the last few months has been such an emotionally intense time for me. i've been going through so much growth as a person and coming to grips with true realities of life and also the false ones i've allowed myself to believe for so long. there's been ups and downs and lots of tears shed, but i'm growing and learning so much about who i am and why i am the way i am. it's amazing to me as i learn more about why i respond certain ways and what my triggers are that send me over the edge. processing through all of that has been difficult, but so healing as well. and once again the lord has me in another season of digging deeper within myself to uncover those things that i've tried to keep hidden and exposing myself to those around me, because it's only in that exposing that i become free.

on christmas day my family visited my 87 year old grandmother (my mom's mom) because she's pretty much house-ridden. her mind is slowly going and she doesn't remember as much. i'll admit, the relationship with my nannie has always been an interesting one. she never showed a lot of interest in what we were doing and isn't exactly a 'nuturer' by nature so there hasn't been much of an emotional connection. but it meant a lot to my mom for us to go so we went. there was this framed picture on top of her armoire and she said it was a picture of her as a little girl in her parent's apartment. my nannie was an only child, a critical piece of information that i somehow at 27 just learned about her, which i feel explains a lot about the way she interacted (or didn't) with her kids & grandkids. she somehow managed to have 7 children and basically support them herself as she was married to an abusive alcoholic. for some reason when i looked at that picture of my nannie it made her seem more human to me. i know that sounds strange, but seeing her as a child and seeing her now as this 87-year old frail woman, who is slowly reverting back to childish ways, it just did something to me. there are reasons why my nannie was never able to shower us with the love and affection we so desperately wanted from her, but yet she did in her own way. as kids she always remembered our birthdays and the money she faithfully put inside. she would stop at our house on her saturday drives to lancaster just to check in, even if it was just for a few minutes. i see now that was her way of caring.

there are reasons why all of us act the way we do, most of which revert back to early childhood experiences. the more i learn about this the more i'm able to see people in a different light and not be so easily offended. we've all been hurt and wounded by other people in one way or another and it affects the way we interact with others, especially those we are close to. i feel like my eyes have been opened and i'm seeing people for the first time. i guess it's a bit how God feels when He looks at us, because He sees it all and knows it all and chooses to shower His love and compassion on us. it's so humbling and makes me so very grateful.

so all that to say, my heart is looking forward to the days ahead. i don't know what's in store, but i know the One who does and i'm resting in that today.


Gina said...

What a beautiful post. I had an "interesting" relationship with my maternal grandmother too. And she too was married to an abusive man. He was so terribly depressed that he ended up committing suicide, but only after he attempted it first by trying to drive himself...and his of a bridge. We don't know the struggles that people go through. Thanks for the reminder through this post. It really was beautiful.

Brittany Ann said...

I am praying for you in this time of growth in your life. It's so inspiring to read your thoughts! You are going to change lives, my friend!

Jenn Fisher said...

this is too funny,...i was just talking about this with my Dad. he was saying how it really is true that the sins of the father are passed on to his children. he can see the 'faults' in his parents that caused him to be the man, father, husband, that he was which in turned made me the mother, wife and women I am because of the 'faults' he had from his childhood. and how my children will be affected by my 'faults' as a mother and so on and so on and so on!! At least you are learning now why you act the way you do...that's huge and will be a great help in making you the mother and wife, women God intends you to be! Your husband will be one lucky son of a dude!

Melissa G said...

Thanks for sharing your heart. Those times of digging and healing are never easy.
I love the way you write. It really connects with your readers.