you know, sometimes you just have those days... those days where you wanna crawl in a hole and not come out. when you wanna shut out the world and turn off the constant barrage of thoughts fighting to invade your mind. lots of days i shove it all down so i can function but that only lasts so long until the tears can no longer be contained. i find that a lot of my meltdowns occur in the shower. tmi? i hope not. i think it's one of the few times in my day where i'm literally just standing still... then i take a deep breath and whoooooooosh a flood of emotions hits me. this was yesterday for me.
i got out of the shower and i'm staring at my pathetic, crying self trying to hold back all the anguish and anger and failing miserably. is this really my life now? in that moment a fleeting thought passes of showing up on his doorstep so he can see me in my full-blown pain. so i can scream at him and point my finger and say 'you did this.' get a grip susan. no... that's not really what i want to do... because the truth is i love him and the last thing i want to be is another voice that puts him down. he doesn't need any more of that. i know his character and his heart and i still believe and hope for the best for him... despite everything that has happened.
oh this process of letting go is so hard. this process of trusting that God has your best interest in mind is tough to hold onto sometimes. i was talking to a friend the other day and she mentioned indiana jones and the last crusade and how he had to step off that cliff trusting that there was this invisible bridge he would land on. that's really what faith is, isn't it? taking a step forward, hoping that you'll land on something and not plummet thousands of feet to your death? i know sometimes i like to act like faith is an easy thing, but now that it's really being tested i find myself not so self-assured. and maybe that's the point. this situation is forcing me to move beyond myself. it's out of my control. i can't manipulate it to get the result i want. i've lost all self-assurance and the only thing, the only one i have to rely on is God. maybe he's using this situation to move me out of the way to make more room for him. i don't know. i suppose i'll know for sure once more time passes and i have a clearer picture of all this.
for now i take it day by day... hour by hour... moment by moment... doing my best to trust and let go and trust and let go and so on and so on.
thank you for your continued prayers and support as i work my way through this.