Thursday, May 12, 2011

the art of letting go

you know, sometimes you just have those days... those days where you wanna crawl in a hole and not come out. when you wanna shut out the world and turn off the constant barrage of thoughts fighting to invade your mind. lots of days i shove it all down so i can function but that only lasts so long until the tears can no longer be contained. i find that a lot of my meltdowns occur in the shower. tmi? i hope not. i think it's one of the few times in my day where i'm literally just standing still... then i take a deep breath and whoooooooosh a flood of emotions hits me. this was yesterday for me.

i got out of the shower and i'm staring at my pathetic, crying self trying to hold back all the anguish and anger and failing miserably. is this really my life now? in that moment a fleeting thought passes of showing up on his doorstep so he can see me in my full-blown pain. so i can scream at him and point my finger and say 'you did this.' get a grip susan. no... that's not really what i want to do... because the truth is i love him and the last thing i want to be is another voice that puts him down. he doesn't need any more of that. i know his character and his heart and i still believe and hope for the best for him... despite everything that has happened.

oh this process of letting go is so hard. this process of trusting that God has your best interest in mind is tough to hold onto sometimes. i was talking to a friend the other day and she mentioned indiana jones and the last crusade and how he had to step off that cliff trusting that there was this invisible bridge he would land on. that's really what faith is, isn't it? taking a step forward, hoping that you'll land on something and not plummet thousands of feet to your death? i know sometimes i like to act like faith is an easy thing, but now that it's really being tested i find myself not so self-assured. and maybe that's the point. this situation is forcing me to move beyond myself. it's out of my control. i can't manipulate it to get the result i want. i've lost all self-assurance and the only thing, the only one i have to rely on is God. maybe he's using this situation to move me out of the way to make more room for him. i don't know. i suppose i'll know for sure once more time passes and i have a clearer picture of all this.

for now i take it day by day... hour by hour... moment by moment... doing my best to trust and let go and trust and let go and so on and so on.

thank you for your continued prayers and support as i work my way through this.

 

5 comments:

rocketmommy said...

I'm so sorry you're going through this right now. Actually, the shower is where it all pours out of me too. I think it's because it's the only place I'm really alone and my thoughts just take over. It really is hard trying to remember that God has a plan for us sometimes, but other times, I feel like that's the only way I can get through things. I truly hope that things start getting at least a tiny bit better for you with each day and each hour and each moment... and you can continue the process of letting go.

Melissa said...

Yes, you're not the only one who gets it all out in the shower. :) It's a good place to just have a bit of alone time to cry, ya know?

I'm so sorry you are dealing w/ all of this. I really will be praying for you. {HUGS}

Katie @ Loves of Life said...

I know writing posts like this are hard, it always is. To feel vulnerable, and raw, and put your entire feelings out there. But? There are lots of people who love you, and are lifting you up, and rooting you on. Even though I so badly want to take all your pain from you, I know I can't. I hate that you have to walk through this fire. But somehow, some way God will pull it all together and, like you said, give you a clearer picture. For now, you've got the right idea. Just...keep...breathing. Love you.

Hailey said...

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with all this. It's easy to be happy and almost forget the depth of the pain when you're busy and surrounded by friends and family... but when you stop and are alone? It all comes crashing down sometimes. Been there, done that. You're doing a remarkable job at continuing to trust the Lord. But I also get there are times when all you want to do is let out a big fat "WHY?!"

Just keep on keepin' on. I know we've never met, but if you ever need someone just to listen, I'm totally here. Hugs.

Moe said...

Totally random...but I always do my best thinking in the shower.

Even more random...every time I realized a relationship I was in was going to end...was in the shower.

So yeah.. :)