Wednesday, June 22, 2011

ramblings from the heart

you know that saying you probably grew up hearing your mom say? "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it at all?" i think that's been my excuse for not blogging consistently. because everything i have wanted to say lately isn't exactly wrapped up in positivity and kindness. honestly, sometimes blogging scares me. putting my words out there to be etched permanently into this crazy world wide web? to be accessed by anyone, anywhere at any given time? makes me shudder sometimes to think about it. not to mention the fact that i'm in full time ministry (with a church and non-profit) and often share about my expeditions on here so i have friends all over the world who read here to keep up with my life. God forbid they find out i'm a normal human being like everyone else. kidding. sort of.

so i do my best to refrain from posting the awful thoughts that go through my mind during the day (and oh they come) but i guess i see how that could also give people the wrong perspective of me. yes, i love jesus and i try to be mindful of my tongue but i still curse... maybe not on my blog, but in real life? yeah it happens. is it something i'm aware of and trying to control? sure. same as how i try not to gossip but still fall into it at times. or how i'm working at being better at confronting people in love instead of avoiding and getting bitter. and no, i don't judge you when you do any of those things (on your blog or in real life). after all, who am i to judge? i can relate to paul when he wrote in 1 timothy 1:15b- "Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst." some days i do feel like the chief sinner but it ultimately always leads me back into the arms of my savior- right where i belong.

where am i going with this? not sure.

so yeah... lately i've been struggling with some anger... i admit, often times i don't understand why people do or don't do certain things. i realize we all have learned behavior but seriously? i feel like some things are obvious. like, if you make a mess- you clean it up. you don't walk away and think, "if i ignore it long enough it will just go away." newsflash! it doesn't! things don't just disappear, no matter how much you ignore them. why do we prolong the inevitable? if something is broken you make every effort to fix it... or at least you should... especially if you're the one who broke it in the first place. we all need to own up to our own responsibilities and actions. is it hard? yes. it's hard as crap. but life is hard. dealing with our pain and hurt is hard. admitting we were wrong is hard. asking for help is hard. it's all hard! but if it was easy it wouldn't mean as much, would it? when we can actually acknowlege those things to others we gain so much respect from them. why? because they know it took guts to do that. it took humility. it took placing someone elses needs and desires above your own. and that? well, that's love people.

oh lord, help me to be that kind of person who can quickly admit when i am wrong... give me a teachable heart and an attitude that desires to put others above myself. i have so much to learn here... and i can't do it without you.

wow. it felt really good to get that out. thanks for reading. :)



Katie @ Loves of Life said...

i love you and all of you--you know, the you that sometimes curses, and falls into sin sometimes like the rest of us, because we're human sometimes. And things hurt. Thanks for that reminder. and love you. rant away anytime.

Unknown said...

the entire time I read this I kept thinking "you're human." and humans cuss, humans can be angry. Better yet, christians can be angry. Its normal. Praying things start looking up.

Gina said...

It's a constant struggle, isn't it? I'm right there with you, sister.

Hailey @ Me and My Boys said...

*gasp* You're HUMAN?? :) It's a fine line to walk, isn't it? Christians try to be a light and live righteously. If you're TOO good, you're labeled a goody. If you slip up or curse? You're labeled a hypocrite. Thank the Lord for GRACE. We're not perfect. We're just forgiven.

Laura said...

Normal humans are my most favorite kind of people. :)

I had been cussing for a while when God REALLY convicted me. And now I am doing a little study on 1 Timothy 4:12... "set an example to believers in speech, in faith, in life, in love and in purity." I'm just getting to the end of the "in speech" part (and will be blogging it in the near future) and let me tell you... I'm convicted and convicted and convicted. I have a long way to go with my words.

And my anger.

God help us all!

Lyryn said...

Good post! I just wanted to comment because ... I wanted you to know I read this and that it's ok you have the feeling you have. All normal. Love you!

Rachel said...

Beautiful, beautiful heartfelt post! Loved reading this. You are such a beautiful woman :) I needed to hear this! That prayer at the end meant more than you know! Praying for you, sweet girl. Happy Thursday!

Tatiana said...

Ready for a super long comment? Hope so.
I loved this, all of it. And love you and your sincerity. There have been times that I've also wanted to cuss on my blog, but I don't, bc. just like you, I have so many people that I know, reading it. So I just resort to my humor. Which some people are still not ok with, but I've accepted that, and I'm totally fine with it now. And speaking of swearing, I know that it's not a very christian thing to do, and it also is not something a nurse should do either, but let me tell you, my last yr of work I swore more than any other time in my life. Pardon my french, but they ran my ass to the bone there, and it was necessary for me to let one loose once in a while in order not to punch some of them in the schnoz. So maybe you need to do the same or else you may just end up cutting his tires, putting sugar in his tank, or just straight up sucker-punching him (all things that have ran through my head a time or two)?
That being said, I can tell that you have made so much progress in the last couple of months, and you are one step closer to having a healed heart :-)
I so wish we lived closer, bc I can totally see us talking for a long time... But I'll stop here, and just send some hugs, lots of love and prayers your way :-)