Wednesday, October 5, 2011

fixing my eyes

this week marks 7 months since my fiance and i broke up. 7 months. and today marks 10 days away from what was supposed to have been our wedding day. where has that time gone? sometimes it feels like a blur and others an eternity. i remember when we chose october 15th and i thought that day would never come. and now for the last 7 months it's been a day that i've wanted to ignore. can't we just skip that day altogether somehow? that's what i asked a friend of mine the other day. another friend said how sad they were when the month changed and they flipped their calendar only to see our wedding date written down. a harsh reminder of the reality of what happened. a reality i've had to live with every day for the last 7 months. and while it still hurts, the sting isn't so bad as it once was. that aching in my heart that i thought would never go away? it has, for the most part, subsided. that struggle to get out of bed? that's passed, too. the anger? meh... it's still there a bit. got to work on that i guess. hey- i'm not perfect.

tonight i read through some of my earlier posts when i was right in the thick of my pain. i was worried it might stir up crazy emotions, but i remained calm. looking back i'm amazed i even had the emotional capacity to write some of the things i did. those moments of strength were God-given for sure. grief is an interesting process. and yes, i do believe grief is exactly what i've been walking through these past 7 months. grief isn't caused by physical death alone. any major loss or disappointment in life could be categorized as grief and with it all those emotions and feelings as well. i think the hardest part in this grieving process for me has been letting go. letting go of that white-knuckle grip i want to have on my own future. that small semblance of control i think i have over how things will turn out. how i want things to turn out. that grip does me no good. how can i really see where i'm going when i'm constantly turning around to look back? there were several times during my 5k on friday when i wanted to look back. to take a glimpse and see who was behind me. who was about to pass me. but i resisted. i kept my focus on where i was going- not who i just passed- or who was about to pass me. it reminds me of this verse in hebrews:
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."  Hebrews 12:1-3
i want- no i need- to fix my eyes ahead- on Jesus. on the future that He has laid for me. on learning to live more intimately with Him. on connecting deeper with those around me. do i think it's wrong to look back? of course not. but i'd say that if i'm looking back long enough to trip or fall or miss a turn then my focus isn't in the right place. so that's my personal challenge i suppose. for myself. but if you're in a similar boat feel free to join me.

and now i leave you with one of my favorite quotes that i've had written in the back of my bible for years:
"O, tis a thought must melt a rock, and make a heart of iron move; that the joy which was set before Jesus, was principally the joy of saving you and me." C.H. Spurgeon
mmm... that's like a warm blanket on a cold day.

grace and peace to you today,


Ashley @ Gratitude and Latitude said...

You continue to amaze me! Your emotional and physical strength & determination give me motivation for the hard days. Thanks Susan! Keep up the great work :)

Erin said...

Such a great post! I've never thought about how painful it must be to grieve an engagement as the wedding date approaches :( But I can kinda relate, because it seems to be an awful lot like approaching your due date after a miscarriage. Hopefully, after that day passes, you'll have even MORE peace :) I'm sorry for your pain but so thankful that the Lord continues to refine you into His image!

And? Looooove me some Spurgeon. He's my all-time FAVE!

Jess said...

Wonderful post, Susan.

I totally agree that any loss like that (not just death) requires a grieving process.

About ten years ago, my cousin's fiance called off their wedding (six weeks before the wedding... the day after they sent out the invitations...... jerk). I already had a plane ticket to go out there for the two and a half weeks prior to the wedding.... and, the rest of my family had tickets for that long weekend. She was surpisingly calm about the whole thing. However, on what was supposed to be the Big Day, we had a total girls' day.

If you don't already have plans, make some!! Make the day YOUR day :) You've made such a transformation over the past 7 months.... you deserve to celebrate YOU!!!

Unknown said...

Great post Susan!!!!

Katie @ Loves of Life said...

You are stronger. You are. And despite how raw and broken you felt for a long time, somehow, some way this all just made a more beautiful you. I look up to you so much. And we will still celebrate YOU on that day, because, good lord, girlie, LOOK HOW FAR YOU'VE COME personally! You rock.

Ruth Witmer said...

I ditto Katie's response, let's celebrate ALL the amazing things God has done in and through you this year!! You are incredible!!

Mrs. S said...

Oh girl.. you are just so amazing! remember everything happens for a reason! everything is going to work out for you and I know God already has your Mr. Wonderful !

Unknown said...

I'm going to a wedding on the 15th and when the couple told me the date, my first thought was of you. No lie.

You have come so far in many areas of your life! Only good things a head :)

I am so glad that the pain is somewhat gone. So so glad.

Unknown said...

I love you. You are such an inspiration!

Tatiana said...

Once again, you have such a touching way with your words. Just beautiful! I have said it before, but I'll say it again. I'm so amazed and proud of how far you've come in those last 7months. You are so much stronger then you even know, and because God is by your side and you trust in him so much, nothing can stay in your way.
Your story reminds me a bit of my SIL. She dated this guy for a few yrs and they got engaged. She set the date, bought the dress, only for him to break up the engagement the day after she sent out all the invitations. She was heart broken and so lost. But just a few months later she met someone else, and after dating for only 8months, they got married. They've been married for 12yrs now and couldn't be happier. She always says that God knew exactly what he was doing the entire time, even though she had a hard time seeing and believing it due to all the hurt.
You're amazing, and God has such an awesome plan for you. I just can't wait to see it all come together. I'm beyond excited for you my friend :-)

Lauren said...

SO glad you had a beach weekend with the girls!!!! I know it did your soul good!!! :)

angela.kolachny said...

Hi Susan, I'm a friend of Katie's. I just want to tell you how much you inspire me, Katie is super lucky to have a sister like you. I have signed up for a 5k run and saw that you completed your first run with the help of a wonderful iPhone app that im now using too. Congrats on all of your wonderful achievements, keep your head up and your eyes focused on what you are doing best (being YOU!). I am a new follower, I can't wait to keep in touch:o)