it's been a tough couple of weeks... thus the lack of posting. i know there have been moments on this blog when i was having a hard day and writing about it helped me process, but it's difficult sometimes to be that vulnerable and honest, especially when you have no idea who or how many people will read it. it's days like that where i'm grateful for the people who are present in my life to let me vent and cry as i try to put words to the emotions i'm feeling. not to negate the incredible encouragement i receive from this blog and those of you who read it- trust me, lord knows i am grateful for that, too. it's just that sometimes you need real arms to fall into and someone to pass you a tissue or two.... or a whole box in my case this week.
i thought that passing october 15th would magically release me into a world of peace and acceptance and yet here i am, still dealing with it. no, it's not consuming me but i'm faced with decisions and choices i never wanted to make. a friend at church asked me the other day what "season" i'm in right now. i was taken aback by the question and for this internal processor i needed time to think on it. so i have been pondering that and asking the Lord where i am and i keep coming back to "letting go." ugh. for a control... ok recovering control freak the words LET GO stir up all kinds of crazy feelings. the last thing a person who wants to feel in control does is let go. really God? is this some kind of sick joke? if i let go, everything falls apart. or does it?
see that's the lie that wants to keep me attached to people, to expectations, to my work... that false need to control or fix or do everything. God is trying to teach me to let go... to just be... to rest. REST! what? who has time to rest? there's work to be done, isn't there? you should all be grateful that you can't hear my inner dialogue. for real.
last week i was sick. i had a head cold that wiped me out and i had no energy. by friday i was completely zapped. i knew i needed to stop and rest. my body needed that. but yet i struggled all day with my decision to stay home. was i really sick enough to be home? what about all the work i had to do? i could probably go into work. it's just a cold. then i hear it again- LET GO. susan, let go. give yourself a break. you are human. you get sick. the world will function without you for one day.
when oh when will i understand? letting go is supposed to be a freeing experience. when i was a kid i used to love jumping off the swings. we had this awesome wooden swing set that my dad built us. not like those plastic ones kids use today. the swings were wooden boards attached with ropes. we were hardcore like that. one of our favorite things to do was to swing really high and then fly off the swing and land, hopefully safe, on the ground. just thinking about that now makes me almost shudder in fear. but oh there was such joy in letting go. in soaring through the air so freely. what happens to us as we become adults that we lose the joy in letting go? there's a million answers for that i'm sure... i'm still trying to wrap my brain around mine.
even today... i have so much to do. i'm teaching a lesson at a prayer ministry school i co-lead tonight. and friday and saturday our church is hosting a racial reconciliation conference and i have so many loose ends to wrap up before 7am tomorrow. it won't all be perfect. i know that. and there's grace for me in that. even giving myself a few minutes to write this blog is hard knowing how much i have to do... but it's ok. it will be ok. God knows what He's doing. he can manage the universe much better than i can.
to all my other struggling-to-let-go-people... i'm with you. i get it. it's hard. we can do this. no, it won't happen overnight. but embrace the process. start where you can. and for goodness sake- give yourself a break every once in a while and rest, ok? :)
grace and peace to you today,