Monday, February 13, 2012

warning: soul baring ahead

oh, hi.

yeah i haven't forgotten about this little blog 'o mine. kind of hard when you've been blogging for almost 12 years (5 on blogger and 7 on another platform). ok now that makes me feel old.

so i've been in a bit of a slump the last couple weeks. ironic given that my last post was all about how happy i felt and loved and all that jazz. and then it was like someone said, "oh you're finally feeling joy? let's see how you do when i throw a bunch of crap at you. where's your joy now?" *insert evil laugh*

at least that's how i picture it going in my mind.

and instead of being all, "yeah i got this. bring it on. nothing can steal my joy," i find myself breaking down. crying constantly. questioning everything and everyone around me. allowing those feelings of rejection to settle in my heart again. questioning God and His plan for me. afraid to open my heart to people. pushing people away with my brashness because i'm a control freak and take responsibility for everything. why do i care so much about everything? about details? about things no one else worries about?

the only positive thing is that this self-imposed isolation has given me lots of time to reflect on myself. i'm surprisingly self-aware. or at least that's what those closest to me say. but now that i'm aware of some of my "stuff" i guess i need to do something about it. sounds fun, doesn't it?

life is hard. relationships are hard. loving people is hard. and i suck at it most days.

i have this twisted theory in my head that people should love me because of all the millions of things that i DO. i mean come on. don't you see me always picking up the pieces for everything? organizing and planning so everything runs smooth? isn't that enough for you to love me?

but no, it isn't. people don't want you to do stuff for them. they just want you.

and yeah that's a scary thought for someone like me.

for someone who is addicted to receiving praise and affirmation for countless hours of work. for someone who believes her true worth is found in doing rather than being. for someone who so desperately wants to believe that she can be loved just for who she is, but doubts it every time it is said.

never mind the fact that i'm baring my soul to the internet. this feels like pure madness but i've been pretty raw and real on here over the last year so why stop now?

so i'm far from perfect. i know that. trust me, do i know that. but letting you all in on that dirty little secret (that's really no secret at all) is the hardest thing of all.

i guess there's a kind of relief and freedom that comes in knowing that i'm probably not alone in this. that there are many more of those closet performers who struggle just like me. and i try my hardest to take joy in knowing that God is refining me, moment by moment, even through the pain and the tears and what feels like constant testing. and that somehow, someway, this will produce a deeper faith in me. a deeper trust. every day i remind myself that i will not lose hope. it's what i cling to on days (or weeks) like this.

thanks for letting me share my heart with you today.
grace and peace,

i figure since i'm keeping it pretty real with this post today that i'd link up with my friend jess for her monday real linkup. hop on over if you want to find more people baring their soul to the internet. or just their dirty laundry. no literally- some of them really are showing you piles of dirty clothes. :)


Jess said...

I hate when that happens. Like you've GOT THIS, and then, life is all "oh no you don't!". GAH. I want to punch life in the face when I feel like that. And man, I do sometimes.

I'm glad you linked up. :)

Charbelle said...

We've never met in real life yet I love you based on your writing and I know it's only a small picture of who you are.

As I was reading I was struck by something. You want people to love you for all you do, yet you also want to be loved just for who you are.

This reminds me of how we are loved by the Father. People have this idea that we have to do, do, do and be, be, be in order to receive salvation. We know that nothing we could ever do or be would bring us what Jesus freely gave us when He died for us.

I'm going somewhere I promise :) As you navigate this time in your life I would offer this suggestion, when you start to think that you have to DO all these things for acceptance and approval take just a moment just for you. Remember in that moment that you are free in Christ. That you are loved freely and with no strings, just for you.

Hope that this next month and the rest of the year bring more wonderful and exciting adventures! Sending you hugs!

Ruth Witmer said...

Susan, you are loved just for you! Not for all the amazingly wonderful things you do for others. You are worthy of love and we enjoy loving you just the way you are. You are such an amazing young woman, rest in knowing that you are loved by us and so many others even when we don't get to say it every day. Bless your sweet heart! Sending hugs your way today! Love, Mom & Dad

Katie @ Loves of Life said...

I love you for you! not what you do :)

Jess said...

Wow. I could have written this entire post about myself.

Thank you for this!

Rachel said...

Story of my life...everything is going just peachy and then something swipes in and steals my happiness. YOU are better than that, sweet friend! We've all been there, we've all struggled with those feelings...

Don't let the Devil take your joy away. You are incredible, loved, cherished...I could go on and on! You've been such an inspiration to me, and I am so proud of all the things you accomplish... Like your sweet sister said, you're loved for YOU! Not the list of accomplishments. Who YOU ARE is good enough :) You are precious, don't ever forget that. I am so thankful for a Savior who reminds me that it's not about what I can bring to the table...because in the end, I really have nothing. Lean on His mercy and His grace, because He is what pulls us through :)

Erin said...

Oh sweet Susan, this too shall pass. That saying is so much easier said than lived isn't it? Keep your chin up and fight the good fight. I too have issues letting people love me for who I am and not just what I do for them. Some days I wonder how my husband stays sane. Just remember, either way, you are loved. Hope the week treats you well!

Gina said...

I related to this post on so many levels. I know you are loved and reading the comments made me tear up. You are an amazing woman and I know one day this will all make sense. XOXO

Allison said...

Oh man this strikes such a cord! My husband is constantly reminding me of things like "it doesn't matter how hard you *try*" ....I totally fall into that trap of thinking that I have to earn love.
Right there with you. Let me know if you figure it out :)

Vanessa Mercado said...

your a real blogger! great blog! following you now...

hope you could visit my blog too...