yeah i haven't forgotten about this little blog 'o mine. kind of hard when you've been blogging for almost 12 years (5 on blogger and 7 on another platform). ok now that makes me feel old.
so i've been in a bit of a slump the last couple weeks. ironic given that my last post was all about how happy i felt and loved and all that jazz. and then it was like someone said, "oh you're finally feeling joy? let's see how you do when i throw a bunch of crap at you. where's your joy now?" *insert evil laugh*
at least that's how i picture it going in my mind.
and instead of being all, "yeah i got this. bring it on. nothing can steal my joy," i find myself breaking down. crying constantly. questioning everything and everyone around me. allowing those feelings of rejection to settle in my heart again. questioning God and His plan for me. afraid to open my heart to people. pushing people away with my brashness because i'm a control freak and take responsibility for everything. why do i care so much about everything? about details? about things no one else worries about?
the only positive thing is that this self-imposed isolation has given me lots of time to reflect on myself. i'm surprisingly self-aware. or at least that's what those closest to me say. but now that i'm aware of some of my "stuff" i guess i need to do something about it. sounds fun, doesn't it?
life is hard. relationships are hard. loving people is hard. and i suck at it most days.
i have this twisted theory in my head that people should love me because of all the millions of things that i DO. i mean come on. don't you see me always picking up the pieces for everything? organizing and planning so everything runs smooth? isn't that enough for you to love me?
but no, it isn't. people don't want you to do stuff for them. they just want you.
and yeah that's a scary thought for someone like me.
for someone who is addicted to receiving praise and affirmation for countless hours of work. for someone who believes her true worth is found in doing rather than being. for someone who so desperately wants to believe that she can be loved just for who she is, but doubts it every time it is said.
never mind the fact that i'm baring my soul to the internet. this feels like pure madness but i've been pretty raw and real on here over the last year so why stop now?
so i'm far from perfect. i know that. trust me, do i know that. but letting you all in on that dirty little secret (that's really no secret at all) is the hardest thing of all.
i guess there's a kind of relief and freedom that comes in knowing that i'm probably not alone in this. that there are many more of those closet performers who struggle just like me. and i try my hardest to take joy in knowing that God is refining me, moment by moment, even through the pain and the tears and what feels like constant testing. and that somehow, someway, this will produce a deeper faith in me. a deeper trust. every day i remind myself that i will not lose hope. it's what i cling to on days (or weeks) like this.
thanks for letting me share my heart with you today.
grace and peace,
i figure since i'm keeping it pretty real with this post today that i'd link up with my friend jess for her monday real linkup. hop on over if you want to find more people baring their soul to the internet. or just their dirty laundry. no literally- some of them really are showing you piles of dirty clothes. :)