reflections

i guess it's about time i write in here again. i've been meaning to, but haven't gotten around to doing it yet. my lovely sister kate reminded me that i should and i agree.

i think one of the reasons i've been avoiding blogging (at least for the past month) are because i have yet to wrap my head around the things that i've experienced. i bought a journal to write about the events that took place while i was in denver, but could never bring myself to write in it. i kept telling myself that i would write later and later never came... until now. although the medium isn't exactly the same i think it will suffice. let me back up...

on october 1st i flew to denver to the ywam base where i did my dts last winter. this time i was going to attend their 12 week school of worship. i was really excited because worship is something i'm very passionate about so i was very anxious to dive into it more. my first few weeks there were tough as all these insecurities and feelings of rejection tried to creep in. i find that happens often when i meet a new group of people. again, God made me deal with the roots of those issues and i'm starting to realize that while God can and does "set us free" from things it doesn't mean that we won't ever deal with it again. i am a person and with that comes my inate ability to pick things up that i've laid down at God's feet.

needless to say after i got through all that i was able to open up and make some amazing friends. i really thought the chances of meeting amazing people like i did during dts was impossible and i'm happy to say i was wrong. my class of 18 people (9 guys and 9 girls) were like a tight-knit family. we did everything together and even though we spent hours together during the day we still wanted to be together during our free time. some of my favorite pasttimes from that are hanging out in the "war room" and being goofy... going to barnes and nobles to get chai and read a book... ooohhh and going to the zoo on their free admission days (i did that twice!).

our school was scheduled to graduate on dec 21st but that was cut short because early sunday morning (12:30am) on dec 9th a former ywam denver student came into our dorm and shot 4 staff members, injuring 2 and killing 2. looking back on that night i feel like i should have seen it coming, but obviously there was no forewarning. on saturday dec 8th we had our annual end of the quarter family as an entire community. since it was close to christmas it was a nicer meal and everyone was dressed up. after dinner we had a talent show which was short so the festivities ended around 8. like any other night most of my friends gathered in the war room to discuss our plans for the rest of the evening. we eventually decided to go bowling at the nearby bowling alley. about 12 of us from our school ended up going out that night. we would have normally tried to be back at the base by curfew (12am) but decided to call our school director and get permission to stay out a little past curfew so we could bowl a little more. he reluctantly said yes and so at about 12:30 we left the bowling alley to go back to the base which was only about a mile away. my friend andrew got a call on his cell phone when we were a block away. it was our friend stephen telling us not to come back to the base because there was a shooter there. immediately we all thought it was a joke but then we saw a police car racing towards the base and we realized it wasn't a joke.

we found out later that stephen was in the hall where the shooting took place while it was happening. he managed to slip into his dorm room unnoticed, which is a miracle in and of itself. i told him later that i knew God had blinded stephen from view. our car full of people then drove to our school director's house followed by another carful from the bowling alley. when we got to his house we didn't know any details and i experienced what i think was my first ever panic attack. my mind went to all my friends who were at the base and i was wondering who was shot and were they ok and when were we going to know and how could this happen? there were so many thoughts running through all of our heads. it felt like we were in a movie and at times it was so surreal and then you realized, this is no movie, this is happening here to us. throughout the next few hours we got news of what happened.

a 22 year old named matthew came to the base that night and asked if he could stay the night. tiffany, one of the victims, a staff member and friend did her job as the hospitality director and politely told him that he couldn't stay at the base, but that she could try to find him other housing for the night. soon after that he opened fire on tiff and 3 other staff members. he fled the scene and as you probably know prepared for his second round of shooting at new life church in colorado springs the next morning where he inevitably lost his own life.

when we got the news that tiff and phil didn't make it, my heart just sank. there was no way tiff, who was so full of life, passion, and hope, wasn't here anymore. but i just talked to her tonight and she hugged me and told me how beautiful i was. and 3 days ago she spent half an hour telling me her dreams and plans for her life. how could it just come to an end like that? those and many other questions were constantly in my mind over the coming days and i'm still wrestling with many of them now. how could this happen? did God know this was going to happen? why weren't they protected? why? why? why?

i know i probably won't get the answers to these questions, but i think it's ok to ask them anyway. i think it's part of the grieving and healing process. i don't think a day has gone by where i haven't thought about what happened and said "God, why?" i probably say it because i feel like there's nothing else to say. i hate the thought of knowing that people you love can just be ripped away from you. i hate that shooting people has become a trend for young people. i hate that there are people in this world who are even at a level in their life where they can come to the point of taking another life. i hate that i don't love people enough... especially the tough ones who need it most.

in all that though i still love because that's what God asks of me- to love Him and love people with all that i have. if there's anything i've taken from this experience it is that. tiff said it best when she said, "i'm gonna change this world by loving people."

i couldn't have said it better myself.

t-minus 2 days

i can't believe i'm getting ready to leave again. it doesn't feel as real this time... maybe because i've already done it. either way, i'm really going. this time though i feel like i'm leaving with more of a sadness in my heart. i'm going to miss some big things this time... the birth of my best friend's baby... my niece's first birthday... christmas preparations... which is my all-time favorite part of the year. i love coming home after a day of work to a cozy decorated house and a beautifully lit tree. it just does something to me. come to think of it, who is going to decorate the house and the tree if i'm not here? i'm the "git-r-done" one around here who makes things happen. poor mom is on her own. maybe kate will come over and help her...

don't get me wrong, i'm excited about going back to denver. there are some really special people there that i can't wait to reconnect with. i just need to keep telling myself that it's going to be different this time. if i don't prepare myself i could be really disappointed and that wouldn't be good. i know it won't be the same as dts and it can't be... it's not the same people. this is a new chapter full of new friends and new experiences and i need to keep that at the forefront of my mind. i forget what the beginning of dts was like when nobody knew each other and we were all trying to find where we fit. it'll be strange to feel that all over again.

i know that the school of worship is something that i want to do though. i just feel like i need to do it now before i can make excuses not to. it's going to be a challenge for me and probably at times very hard and stretching, but i need that right now. i don't want to be comfortable all the time. how else will i grow? i'm not alone though and i know that. life's about taking risks but i can rest in the fact that when i jump i know who is there to catch me.

this will be a new season for me... one that will probably be very pivotal for me... i just don't know how yet. people have asked me what i hope to accomplish after this school and i really don't know. i just know that i have a passion to worship and i feel God the most when i do so i'm gonna run after that with everything that i have.

thank God we only have to do things one day at a time...

8000 miles and back again

tomorrow it will be a week since i got back from my trip to zambia. i spent an amazing 12 days there living and loving through serving. i still can't believe i went to africa... i went to africa... i have to keep telling myself that. i've dreamt about africa a lot since i've been home. i guess it stuck with me more than i realize.

i think my favorite thing was the children. i knew they'd be sweet and they were. granted they had their moments like when we're about to leave the village and they're all surrounding you saying "you give me gift in remembrance." and all you can think is, "i slept in a tent, pooped in a hole and painted all day to create a community center for you and you want a GIFT?" oh my... those are moments i won't forget. they have so little and looking back i see how special it was for us to be there and for them to get something from us. i gave this one boy my water bottle and he carried it around all day like it was a trophy. it was a $5 nalgene but to him it was gold.

then there were the moments like on my birthday when i spent hours holding this sick 3 year old little girl named martha. i don't know why i picked her out of the crowd of kids but i did and i plopped her on my lap. within moments she was curled up on my lap and showed no signs of leaving. that was fine with me so i just held her and kissed her and rubbed her face. i found out later that she's 1 of 5 kids. her dad's in prison for a year because he got in a fight and broke a man's tooth. apparently zambia takes fighting very seriously. so now this mom is left to try and take care of 5 kids and is really struggling. my heart breaks for them.

children are forced to grow up at such a young age. i saw 6 year olds carrying 6 month olds on their backs all day... 4 year olds hauling water at ungodly distances in sweltering heat... and i met many kids who lived with their grandparents because their mom and dad are no longer living... most likely due to the aids epidemic. then i think of kids the same age here in the US and how dependent they are on "things" like tv... internet... video games... it really is a different world.

i felt so privileged to be a part of the project going on in that community of 2000 people... kaombe village in northern zambia. we turned an abandoned bar into a community center with a library, pre-school and restaurant in it. my mind can't even grasp what this means for those people... education... opportunity... HOPE! and i was there to be a part of making it happen. it felt surreal. i kept asking God the whole time, "why me? why am i here? why did you let me be a part of this project? so many people wanted to be here... deserved to be here... but they aren't and i am." i still don't know why me, but God does. i did what i could and used my gifts. after all that's what God wants of us, right?

on the sunday we were in the village we walked about an hour to get to church. yes we walked an HOUR to get to church. at the end of the service there was about 15 minutes left before they usually end so they asked our group if anyone wanted to bless the congregation with a song. doesn't everyone volunteer me... i laughed and then went up front. i led them in 2 worship songs and it was a beautiful moment. looking at all their precious faces was like looking at jesus and it made me enjoy worshipping Him even more. the pastor blessed me afterwards by telling everyone that i sang like an angel. i think that was God's little way of affirming the gift He's placed within me. it made for a very special day.

at night we would go to an open space and look at the sky... i've never seen the sky so big before. it's amazing what being in an area without electricity can do. when it gets dark, it's REALLY dark. one night a few of us went out near the road and laid down on the pavement (it's not a busy road, don't worry) and looked up at the sky. we asked God to shower us with His love through shooting stars and He did... 7 times. it gives me chills just thinking about it. it gave you this sense of the power of our creator, but also His intimacy to make a few people lying on a road in zambia feel incredibly loved.

my trip was filled with those moments... moments where you couldn't do anything but laugh at God's goodness, His provision and His faithfulness. time and time again He reminded us that we were right where we needed to be and that He wasn't going to leave us stranded... even in moments with no luggage, no bathroom and a flat tire. now all i can do is smile remembering the humor in those moments and the excitement in seeing God make a way.

i could go on and on, but this has to end some time right?

i leave again in 1 week. i'll be going to dallas on the 27th to visit with a couple dts friends and then on october 1st it's back to ywam denver for the school of worship. i'll spend 3 months "tuning" my gift and learning the dynamics of what it means to be a true worshipper.

after all, that's what i was created for.