we do not lose heart

it's amazing to me how much God speaks to us in our seasons of brokenness. i've been pondering that a lot lately. perhaps it's not that He speaks to us more, but rather that now He actually has our attention in order for us to listen. when will i learn to TRULY seek Him with all that i have when things are actually "going well?" why does it take a time of crushing and disappointment for me to really press in to the love that He has for me? it's the age-old question. just when i think i have this thing called life down, something happens to show me that i don't and that i am utterly dependent on a power higher than myself. i don't say that to say that God causes the pain and anguish that we go through in life, but he most certainly uses it to draw us back to him. one of my favorite quotes about this comes from william p. young in the book the shack:

"Just because I work incredible good out of unspeakable tragedies doesn't mean I orchestrate the tragedies. Don't ever assume that my using something means I caused it or that I need it to accomplish my purposes. That will only lead you to false notions about me. Grace doesn't depend on suffering to exist, but where there is suffering you will find grace in many facets and colors."

so true. i'm discovering that grace every day.

this morning i was led to read 2 Corinthians 4:7-16 and it's like the words were jumping off the screen at me! go read it, then come back.  :)

see what i mean? God entrusts us- these jars of clay, so easily broken, with the truth of His love and grace! though we are hard pressed on every side and we feel like we are being crushed- we aren't alone. God's all-surpassing love is there to carry us through and to ultimately lead others to that same knowledge. if God can use my brokenness and shattered dreams to lead myself and those i share with to the arms of Jesus then it makes it all worth it. this life isn't about me getting what i want or even what i feel i deserve. it's about sacrifice. it's about dying daily to my desires, my dreams and embracing what God has for me. i'll leave you with another quote from that book i'm reading called shattered dreams.

Happiness must be stripped away, forcibly, before joy can surface, before we will value and pursue dreams whose fulfillment produces true joy.

that's what i desire- TRUE JOY! and that only comes from intimacy with my creator... i love the last part of those verses in 2 Corinthians... it says "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day." 

day by day, moment by moment, God is renewing you- he's renewing me. doing my best to relish in that today.


in His all-surpassing love and grace,

thankful thursday

i was inspired by my sister today to write a thankful thursday post. if there is one thing i've learned over the last few weeks it's that the key to keeping hope and joy alive in the midst of pain and suffering is remaining in an attitude of gratitude! even when it feels like nothing is going your way- there are ALWAYS things, people, moments to be thankful for. i even started a "gifts journal" where i've been trying to document every day at least one thing i am thankful for. it's a good reminder to me of the goodness of God despite my current circumstances. so here are a few things i'm thankful for...

my home.
in may it will be 1 year since i bought my first home and it truly is my safe place. i thank God for this special gift and i'm doing my best to take care of it and make it a haven for others as well. i've done a little more decorating over the last couple of weeks and it's been a welcome distraction. sometimes i walk around and still shake my head at the fact that i own a home! it's such a humbling feeling.


community.
i used to pride myself on being a fairly independent person. i thought i was fine on my own and could handle things myself. thankfully my heart has really changed and as a result i have realized my NEED for other people. God has placed me in a wonderful community of people who love me, support me and encourage me daily. i've come to learn what it means to be dependent on people in a healthy way and that it doesn't mean i'm weak- only human.

health.
i know that i'm going through a really tough season emotionally, but i have my health and i try to remind myself often what a gift that is. i'm thankful for weight watchers and for my sister who is doing this with me and for the 18lbs that have been shed off my body so far. yeah baby! i'm thankful that i can go to the gym and work out my frustrations in a way that will ultimately benefit my body.

hope.
i'm thankful for the promise that despite the way things look today- THERE IS HOPE! i am trying my hardest to not lose sight of that and i struggle daily. sometimes it's hard to believe that things will work out or that our dreams will actually come to pass... so the only thing you can do is have hope. i'm reading a book right now called shattered dreams by larry crabb and i read this excerpt last night that spoke to me so much. i want to share it with you:

"Some of your fondest dreams will shatter, and you will be tempted to lose hope. I will seem to you callous or, worse, weak- unresponsive to your pain. You will wonder if I cannot do anything or simply will not.

As you struggle with dashed hopes, you will fail, just as My servant Peter did. You will feel discouraged with yourself to the point of self-hatred. And I will seem to withdraw from you and do nothing.

When all of this comes to pass, My word to you is this: Do not lose hope. A plan is unfolding that you cannot clearly see. If you could see it as I do, you would still hurt, but you would not lose hope. You would gladly remain faithful to me in the middle of the worst suffering. I guarantee you the power to please me, not to have a good time. But pleasing me will bring you great joy.

In the deepest part of your soul, you long more than anything else to be a part of My plan, to further My kingdom, to know Me and please Me and enjoy Me. I will satisfy that longing. You have the power to represent Me well no matter what happens in your life. That is the hope I give you in this world. Don't lose it."

Happy Thursday!

lessons from kyra and kylie

last friday i got to spend the day at longwood gardens with kesh and my 2 nieces, kyra and kylie. i brought my camera with me because my nieces are my favorite subjects to photograph and as i was looking through the photos i realized that they taught me several things that day.

be thankful.

kylie, who is 2, makes me smile every time we walk through the conservatory at longwood. she knows the value in stopping to smell the flowers. i'm not sure where she picked this up but she always does it. she sticks her cute little nose right in there and takes in a deep whiff of it's fragrance. it's the cutest thing.

i realize it's a lesson God has been trying to teach me over the last couple of weeks. gratitude. being thankful for the little things- the joys we tend to overlook, especially in the midst of our pain. i'm doing my best to remind myself daily to be thankful despite my circumstances. it's in those places of gratitude that i find hope.

laugh as much as possible.
this might seem like an obvious thing, but laughter really is good for the soul. children constantly remind me of this. there's a section at longwood called the children's water garden and it's full of fountains and waterfalls. this particular one is a "jumping fountain" and it always makes the girls laugh as they try to "catch" the water.

last night i found myself laughing several times with a friend of mine and it really did brighten my spirits. it might be a momentary distraction but it's a start to opening my heart to joy again and for that i am grateful.

it's ok to cry.

while in the water garden kylie slipped and bumped her head. she was fine, but it scared her a bit. her mom was there to pick her up and hold her while she cried. i think even as adults we need to be reminded that tears are ok. if it's part of your process then embrace it. it doesn't make you weak- it makes you vulnerable... something we can probably all learn to be better at. we all need those safe places where we can go and be 100% real and express where we're at without fear of shame or condemnation. i am so grateful for those in my life who have been that outlet for me.

here's a couple more of my favorite pictures from that day. this first one was taken 2 seconds before kylie sprayed me with water from that fountain. look at her face! you can just tell she's up to no good! haha! 

 

this one of kyra is probably one of my favorite shots of her ever... she's growing up so fast and has such a beautiful heart. i think this photo really captures that.

 

thank you girls for a fun day! and for teaching me so much... even at your young age. aunt susie loves you!