proof in pictures

i went to the doctor today. turns out i have bronchitis. a mild case, but bronchitis none-the-less. i'm glad i went. my chest has been hurting for days and i had a feeling it was more than just a little cold. i'm on antibiotics now so hopefully things will clear up quickly. but alas, this is not the reason for my post.

i used to hate going to the doctors and that was primarily for one reason. the dreaded scale. what is it about those scales at the doctors offices that's so intimidating? i think it probably has to do with the fact that a perfect stranger is standing there adjusting the scale to find your dreaded number. suddenly it's as if you're sharing this intimate moment with someone you just met. after all, for some of us our weight is one of our deepest darkest secrets and God forbid someone knows the truth. please tell me i'm not the only one who has had these thoughts?

all that to say, today i had none of those feelings. when the nurse called my name she apologized and said that i would have to get weighed today because i hadn't been there in so long. i told her that was fine and happily jumped up on that scale because i'm proud of where i am today. i was extra excited when it was only a pound different from what my scale at home said before i left. sometimes i swear those digital at-home scales are way off, but mine is actually right on.

so get ready. i'm about to share one of my deepest, darkest secrets with you...

i snuck a peek at my chart to see what i weighed the last time they weighed me there (it was 2008 btw- i'm so bad about going to the doctor). it said 221. yup, that's 221lbs. and when i weighed in on my first day of weight watchers this past january? 224. oh dear jesus, hold me now. did i really just put that out there on the web? i guess so.

today their scale said 184. yeah that's 40 lbs people. no wonder i was so stoked to jump on that scale. my doctor was absolutely thrilled with my weight loss and encouraged me to keep going, which i thoroughly plan on doing! and even though 184 sounds great when compared to 224, i still have more journey ahead of me. i can't wait to bust into the 170s and so on and so on. honestly, i cannot tell you how great it feels to be in control of my body in a positive way. i am changing for the better and it is so much fun! this week i fit into size 10 shorts from the loft. i haven't worn a size 10 since i was 20 and i'm almost 29! at target the other day i snagged a dress off the clearance rack in size medium and IT FIT! who is this girl? seriously? you mean 16s and XLs aren't in my clothing vocabulary anymore? wow. i'm just amazed.

if you would have asked me back in january if i thought i'd feel this good about my body today i don't know what i would have told you. every day i get more comfortable in my skin. every day i am shrinking in size, but growing in confidence. sometimes i get this crazy irrational fear that maybe i haven't actually lost weight. maybe it's in my head. yeah, that's a bunch of nonsense. just look at old pictures, sue. you have done this and you are going to continue to do this.

i browsed through some photos and found a couple full body shots... one from 2008 and one from january of this year. below that you'll see a couple shots taken at the beach last week. i'd say the change is pretty obvious. these are definitely not before and afters because i'm still in the middle of this weight loss journey but i think it's good to stop and reflect on how far i've come and to encourage myself to keep at it. see for yourself.

 

 

so the proof is in the pictures i guess. i'm not crazy after all! haha!

thanks for all of your support and encouragement as i keep on trucking through this!

 

one for the birds

i have my mother to thank for my love of birds. her backyard is pretty much a bird sanctuary, what with her dozens of feeders, bird houses and wide variety of trees for them to nest in. she's got the book and binoculars and many summer mornings you can find her sitting on the patio trying to find her favorite ones. it's no surprise that when i moved into my house last year i wanted to be able to observe birds, too. but hello... i live in the city. in a townhouse. i don't have a sprawling backyard. or really any backyard for that matter. there is a row of bush-like tree things behind my house though and throughout last summer i realized that a lot of little birdies called them home. so i went out and bought a feeder that stuck to my dining room window so i could watch them eat. and eat they did. i loved watching them in the morning while i had my coffee and got used to the noise of their wings hitting the window, signaling that someone was trying to eat. i learned to be stealth so as not to scare them away. so imagine my disappointment when i hung the feeder this year and it crashed to the ground, the plastic shattering into a dozen pieces. my house is built into a hill so the dining room window is actually 2nd story and not ground level. i was bummed. and so the search for a new feeder began.

the search actually proved to be really difficult. finding a feeder that could hang on a window and didn't cost an arm and a leg was frustrating. one sunday though i ended up at lunch with my parents and they needed to run into the local hardware store. and there it was. the perfect feeder. my dad was kind enough to buy it for me once i explained how much i wanted to be able to watch the birds just like mom. she's converted him into a bird lover, too. i was so excited to put it up once i got home. i filled it with seed, stuck those suction cups good and tight to the window and waited. and i waited and i waited and i waited. i thought for sure those birds would show up any second to devour that precious seed. but they didn't. and it stayed that way for days and then weeks. every day i'd look at the feeder and notice that the level of food stayed the same. i couldn't figure out why they hadn't found it yet. one of the bushes behind my house fruits some berries so i thought maybe they were feeding off that. and then yesterday it happened. i heard the sound of wings hitting the window. i ran over and opened the blinds, which obviously scared him away, but i knew he'd be back. and he was. along with a friend. i grabbed my camera and slowly neared the window hoping to capture this momentous occasion.

as you can see from the photos, i did. and in the last 24 hours those birds have been going at it. the feeder is almost empty already. i don't how they can stuff any more seed in those tiny little birdie bellies, but they're doing it. in fact, i think they're becoming a bit greedy. this morning i've been watching them literally peck one another to keep them from getting the food. i realize this is nature and the cycle of life and all that jazz but i found myself getting angry about it. i wanted to yell at the bully birds who weren't letting the smaller ones get any food. i even contemplated taking away the whole feeder to teach them all a lesson. now, that almost makes me sound crazy. and it got me thinking...

is this how God feels sometimes? watching us fighting each other and pushing other people down so we can get ahead? taking more than we need while people around us go without? and how easily God could just take everything away from all of us to "teach us a lesson," but yet he doesn't. instead i think he is longing for us to just get it. to see that life isn't about gaining more and more for ourselves but that its in the act of giving away that we truly gain. i think He desires for us to really understand what it means to live content with what we have... to share when we have abundance... to come alongside each other and build one another up. and oh i have so far to go on this journey but God is convicting me of this more and more each day. i don't know exactly what it looks like but i think the change has to happen in the heart first so that it can then overflow from there.

so that's my prayer today. start with me lord. make me content in all things. remove my desire for more "things" that bring no lasting satisfaction. i don't want to be tied down to my possessions. i don't want to hoard what i have. God, forgive me for my selfish ways and for not always responding when you tell me to give. change my heart God. show me how to be more like you. less of me God and more of you.

in His love and grace,


 

ramblings from the heart

you know that saying you probably grew up hearing your mom say? "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it at all?" i think that's been my excuse for not blogging consistently. because everything i have wanted to say lately isn't exactly wrapped up in positivity and kindness. honestly, sometimes blogging scares me. putting my words out there to be etched permanently into this crazy world wide web? to be accessed by anyone, anywhere at any given time? makes me shudder sometimes to think about it. not to mention the fact that i'm in full time ministry (with a church and non-profit) and often share about my expeditions on here so i have friends all over the world who read here to keep up with my life. God forbid they find out i'm a normal human being like everyone else. kidding. sort of.

so i do my best to refrain from posting the awful thoughts that go through my mind during the day (and oh they come) but i guess i see how that could also give people the wrong perspective of me. yes, i love jesus and i try to be mindful of my tongue but i still curse... maybe not on my blog, but in real life? yeah it happens. is it something i'm aware of and trying to control? sure. same as how i try not to gossip but still fall into it at times. or how i'm working at being better at confronting people in love instead of avoiding and getting bitter. and no, i don't judge you when you do any of those things (on your blog or in real life). after all, who am i to judge? i can relate to paul when he wrote in 1 timothy 1:15b- "Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst." some days i do feel like the chief sinner but it ultimately always leads me back into the arms of my savior- right where i belong.

where am i going with this? not sure.

so yeah... lately i've been struggling with some anger... i admit, often times i don't understand why people do or don't do certain things. i realize we all have learned behavior but seriously? i feel like some things are obvious. like, if you make a mess- you clean it up. you don't walk away and think, "if i ignore it long enough it will just go away." newsflash! it doesn't! things don't just disappear, no matter how much you ignore them. why do we prolong the inevitable? if something is broken you make every effort to fix it... or at least you should... especially if you're the one who broke it in the first place. we all need to own up to our own responsibilities and actions. is it hard? yes. it's hard as crap. but life is hard. dealing with our pain and hurt is hard. admitting we were wrong is hard. asking for help is hard. it's all hard! but if it was easy it wouldn't mean as much, would it? when we can actually acknowlege those things to others we gain so much respect from them. why? because they know it took guts to do that. it took humility. it took placing someone elses needs and desires above your own. and that? well, that's love people.

oh lord, help me to be that kind of person who can quickly admit when i am wrong... give me a teachable heart and an attitude that desires to put others above myself. i have so much to learn here... and i can't do it without you.

wow. it felt really good to get that out. thanks for reading. :)