perspective

i started to think about this word perspective tonight... how we all see things through the lens of our life- through our own experiences, hurt, pain, emotion. it often influences our interactions with others. i encountered this tonight while i was at a class offered by my church. a woman, who i don't know very well, came up to me before class and tried to make small talk. given my current situation i was a little quiet and reserved and wasn't able to really engage in conversation with her. she walked away seeming a bit embarrassed by what appeared to be my rejection of her, but what was in actuality me being self-absorbed in my own pain and unable to connect with her even in the most basic of ways.

my scope of viewing the world and people has been altered by recent events, but i'm not the only one affected by that- others around me are as well. another example: at the end of the night a different woman realized that her car had been broken into. someone took a brick and threw it into the passenger side window of her car and stole the GPS off her dash. the woman was obviously very distraught but i found it hard to have much compassion for her. why? because i was viewing through my lens of hurt, anger and frustration. i wanted to scream at her, "you're really so upset over a broken window? that can be fixed! you can buy a new GPS tomorrow! what about my life that looks like that shattered glass all over the pavement? this is not fixable today or tomorrow or even the next day!"

perspective.


obviously i didn't scream at her. not outwardly at least.

image found here

i remember years back when i was helping to lead the youth ministry at my old church and we taught a lesson about perspective and the way we view the world. we were trying to help the kids understand that they needed to see the world through a God's lens. one of the other leaders coined this term as "theoscope." this was derived from the Greek words "theo" meaning God and "scope" meaning to look or view carefully. so it was essentially the idea of viewing people, situations, the world through this God-lens and not through our own distorted view.

oh how i wish it was easier to do that. right now it feels like my lenses are covered with the fog of betrayal and brokenness and i find it so hard to put them down. sometimes we're afraid to see the world through clear lenses (free of the hurt and pain) because it feels like it lessens the severity of our situation. we like the dirty lens. we want others to see it. to acknowledge it. to suffer in the pain with us. to know we aren't alone.

at least that's true of me today.

i don't really have a conclusion for this post because i'm still-so-in-it. i just had to share it. writing has been therapeutic for me right now. that could last or fade, but for now i'm going with it.

keep breathing

what do you do when it feels like your whole world has fallen apart? what do you do when you feel like you've watched your dreams fall and shatter into a million pieces? how do you even begin to start piecing your life back together? mornings are supposed to bring hope and the chance to start fresh but all i feel when i wake up is dread at another day of dealing with a roller coaster of emotions.

the only comfort i have is knowing that God is still good. He is still holy. He has not abandoned me. i cling to that today in the midst of this crazy raging storm. i imagine it's what the disciples felt as their boat rocked back and forth, quickly taking on water, and they screamed, "Lord, save us!" here i am on this ship that feels like it's destined to capsize and i keep crying out like them, "Lord, save me!" and he responds just as he did to them, "You of little faith, why are you so afraid?" why am I so afraid? i know i'm not alone in the boat, but i forget that because of the strength of the storm.

my sister played this song for me the other day and the first time i heard it i just cried. and every time i play it i cry because this is exactly how i feel. i don't know what else to do but keep breathing. just keep breathing.




thanks for all the sweet comments and the love. it means more than you know.

broken

i know i should be posting part 8 of our story but i can't. unfortunately over the last few days there have been some dream-shattering things taking place and the last thing i can do is keep sharing a love story whose ending is now unknown.

i hate to be that vague but for the sake of privacy right now that's how it has to be. right now what i need are your prayers. prayers for clarity and wisdom and that God would be glorified no matter what the outcome is.

this scripture is speaking to me today:

"Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God.

And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him."


Colossians 3:12-17
Thanks for your support and understanding,