i didn't want to get out of bed today.
i've done my best to stay as positive as possible on here... i try to write on my "good" days when i feel inspired and encouraged that i can do this... get through this season of life without letting it take me under. but i certainly don't feel that way every day. there are plenty of "why me" and "oh God i can't do this" that escape out of my mouth at random points throughout the day- usually accompanied by tears.
truth be told, this is one of the hardest things i've ever walked through. no girl dreams of having to cancel her wedding. to have to call vendors and beg for money back... to cancel the honeymoon trip that once represented so much hope and promise... the shame of having to tell friends and family why this didn't work out... the questions... oh the questions... questions even i still don't really feel i have answers to.
it sucks. i have these moments where i look around and realize that this is my life now. back to being single. not being so wrapped up in someone else's needs. no one to take care of... to cook for... to share life with. i used to measure my days by our weekly date night and it made time pass so quickly. i lived for those days. now time just passes as slowly as it wants with nothing to measure it in. time. such a dreaded word. it's all people say. it will get better in time. this too shall pass. time heals all wounds. this is just a season.
i know those words. i've said those words. but when you're in the thick of it you almost have no concept of the truth of it. the here and now threatens to destroy any glimmer of hope that might still remain.
the bottom line is this... i miss him. i miss my best friend. the person i could be completely myself with. who i had exposed my heart to after keeping it locked and hidden for so long. he broke through my walls and now i'm left feeling exposed with no way to hide how broken i feel. i want to build those walls back up and shut myself out from anyone else who might dare to hurt me, but i know that isn't the answer.
so i got out of bed. i will do my best to find joy somehow in the midst of this pain. this is just one of those difficult days. i know more will come and once again it will all start with the decision to just get out of bed. even if that's all i can do.
*i realize this isn't the most uplifting post but it helps me to write and process my feelings, as raw as they might be. thanks for understanding.