Thursday, March 31, 2011

just get out of bed

i didn't want to get out of bed today.

i've done my best to stay as positive as possible on here... i try to write on my "good" days when i feel inspired and encouraged that i can do this... get through this season of life without letting it take me under. but i certainly don't feel that way every day. there are plenty of "why me" and "oh God i can't do this" that escape out of my mouth at random points throughout the day- usually accompanied by tears.

truth be told, this is one of the hardest things i've ever walked through. no girl dreams of having to cancel her wedding. to have to call vendors and beg for money back... to cancel the honeymoon trip that once represented so much hope and promise... the shame of having to tell friends and family why this didn't work out... the questions... oh the questions... questions even i still don't really feel i have answers to.

it sucks. i have these moments where i look around and realize that this is my life now. back to being single. not being so wrapped up in someone else's needs. no one to take care of... to cook for... to share life with. i used to measure my days by our weekly date night and it made time pass so quickly. i lived for those days. now time just passes as slowly as it wants with nothing to measure it in. time. such a dreaded word. it's all people say. it will get better in time. this too shall pass. time heals all wounds. this is just a season.

i know those words. i've said those words. but when you're in the thick of it you almost have no concept of the truth of it. the here and now threatens to destroy any glimmer of hope that might still remain.

the bottom line is this... i miss him. i miss my best friend. the person i could be completely myself with. who i had exposed my heart to after keeping it locked and hidden for so long. he broke through my walls and now i'm left feeling exposed with no way to hide how broken i feel. i want to build those walls back up and shut myself out from anyone else who might dare to hurt me, but i know that isn't the answer.

so i got out of bed. i will do my best to find joy somehow in the midst of this pain. this is just one of those difficult days. i know more will come and once again it will all start with the decision to just get out of bed. even if that's all i can do.

 

*i realize this isn't the most uplifting post but it helps me to write and process my feelings, as raw as they might be. thanks for understanding.

15 comments:

Katie @ Loves of Life said...

Don't ever feel like you need disclaimers on your posts. You should write through all your feelings because it DOES help. I love you. I know this road is rough, but hang on to that small light at the end of the tunnel bc He will see you through as He always does.

MrsB said...

:(
i am so sorry for what you've been going through. from the (very little) i 'know' about you - you have such a strong faith - and it's amazing what we can overcome. you are a strong woman, and with the help of God, family and close friends, things *will* get better and you *will* move on.
stay strong! ♥

Jess said...

I think if you need to dump, your blog is a great place to do it. I find writing about hardship to be cathartic. Plus, people are really nice to you.

I'm so sorry that you're hurting. Life can be such a butthead sometimes.

Jocelyn said...

my heart hurts for you!!! But God will be right there with you all the way...cling to Him and make Him your best friend!!! And yes just getting out of bed is small step in the right direction. You are in my prayers:-)

Michelle said...

Sending prayers your way.

Sarah-Life is what you make it said...

My heart felt so heavy when reading this. I honestly knew what to say other than trust in God. You are awesome Susan!

Hailey said...

{{{BIG HUGS}}}

You're an amazing girl, and the Lord WILL get you through this. Praying for you!

ps. it's your blog. you write what you want. and know that you've got a team of blog buddies here to support you. :)

Lucy Marie said...

No reason to justify or add a disclaimer. Write what's on your heart ... that's what this space is for. Continuing to be praying for you all the time.

Gina said...

You don't deserve this. I'm praying for you. Please vent as you need to. We are here to listen. Er, read. ;)

My name is not Jim said...

There really aren't any words that will help. It does hurt and it will hurt. Thye say time heals all wounds, but they never mention how long. The only advice i can give is in everything walk with your head held high and demand dignity.

"The things which hurt, instruct." ~Benjamin Franklin...."but do they have to instruct that much." ~jim ruh

Brittany Ann said...

I hate that you're going through this, and I am praying for you - and him. Getting out of bed is huge. Celebrate that you can do that, girlfriend. You are strong:)

Malin said...

Just stumbled upon your blog, and I'm going through the same as you at the moment. Heartbreak from someone you thought was going to be in your life always. It's hard getting out of bed. It's hard imagining that life goes on, but, apparently it does... :) Stay strong.
If you ever want to share stories with someone who is in the same place as you, feel free to contact me.

Mrs C. @ Tosots said...

You are so strong and will get through this! Thoughts and Prayers are with you. =)

Moe said...

I am so so sorry you're having to go through this. I will be praying for you. Promise.

Kayla said...

It's so hard to keep going when you have a broken heart. I'm so sorry you're going through this - chin up and "fake it till you make it".

Thinking of you each day...