and i'm hyper-sensitive to everything. i'm always on the verge of another breakdown.
the littlest things set me off. i'm mad at people who've done nothing wrong to me but in my mind they have. they don't call enough. they call too much. they always ask me how i am. they never ask me how i am.
and then there's all the "you're so strong" comments.
i don't feel strong.
i feel crazy.
i feel trapped on this spinning amusement park ride and i just want to yell at the guy holding the controls to "let me off already!" but i keep spinning. around and around and around.
this week has been so hard. saturday was his middle son's 5th birthday and i couldn't do anything all day. i sat at home alone and that's not how it was supposed to be. we were supposed to be celebrating together. it's now been over 2 weeks since i even last "saw" him. 6 weeks since i received that devastating phone call. and this friday marks 1 year since we first shared our feelings with one another and began our relationship journey.
this sucks. big time. i feel so vacant and hollow inside. a shell of a person walking around trying to make sense of this craziness. i know i'm not alone, but yet i am. this is not how it's supposed to be.
most days i feel like a toddler throwing a tantrum in the candy aisle screaming at God that IT'S NOT FAIR! why can't i have what i want? why did you do this to me? what did i do to deserve this? why. why. why.
the age old question i guess.
ugh. i almost hate that i'm even putting this out here on my blog. i hate that this is who i am right now. bitter. angry. sad. depressed. anxious.
this is real and this is raw and this is where i am. not much gratitude today.