Tuesday, April 12, 2011

let me off

i'm angry.

and i'm hyper-sensitive to everything. i'm always on the verge of another breakdown.

the littlest things set me off. i'm mad at people who've done nothing wrong to me but in my mind they have. they don't call enough. they call too much. they always ask me how i am. they never ask me how i am.

and then there's all the "you're so strong" comments.

i don't feel strong.

i feel crazy.

i feel trapped on this spinning amusement park ride and i just want to yell at the guy holding the controls to "let me off already!" but i keep spinning. around and around and around.

this week has been so hard. saturday was his middle son's 5th birthday and i couldn't do anything all day. i sat at home alone and that's not how it was supposed to be. we were supposed to be celebrating together. it's now been over 2 weeks since i even last "saw" him. 6 weeks since i received that devastating phone call. and this friday marks 1 year since we first shared our feelings with one another and began our relationship journey.

this sucks. big time. i feel so vacant and hollow inside. a shell of a person walking around trying to make sense of this craziness. i know i'm not alone, but yet i am. this is not how it's supposed to be.

most days i feel like a toddler throwing a tantrum in the candy aisle screaming at God that IT'S NOT FAIR! why can't i have what i want? why did you do this to me? what did i do to deserve this? why. why. why.

the age old question i guess.

ugh. i almost hate that i'm even putting this out here on my blog. i hate that this is who i am right now. bitter. angry. sad. depressed. anxious.

this is real and this is raw and this is where i am. not much gratitude today.



Seni said...

Sometimes when I feel sorry for myself and ask, why me, I have to stop myself and ask, why not me. Who am I to think that I don't deserve what I am going thru and who am I to question what God has for me. I know it is easier said than done when you are wallowing in self pity, but continue to pray for God's comfort, and I will do the same. Whatever His plan is, it is one to give you hope and a future. Continue to keep your trust and faith in Him.

Hailey @ Me and My Boys said...

I know this probably won't help much, but I HAVE been there. Obviously, not your exact situation, but the feelings are familiar. And it SUCKS. Nothing you do or anyone else does makes you feel any better. What I can tell you is that it does eventually stop hurting so bad. The anger eventually subsides, and you'll eventually breathe again. Keep trusting in the Lord. He can and will pull you through this. xoxo.

Bethany said...

Sorry that its all so sucky right now. Sorry that there aren't really any words that can help. <3

Unknown said...

You're right, this isn't fair. It's not fair that you found this guy and now he's gone. Its normal to be asking God "why." Why did he give you such a gift and take it away? I've asked him the same thing when praying for you. *Hugs*

Gina said...

I'm sorry. And I promise to keep praying for you.

Cara S. said...

Susan, You are NOT crazy! You are human and you have real, raw emotions. I want to cry with you, because well it is NOT fair. I remember feeling like a child having a tantrum. And it doesn’t matter what anyone says to you. You know what you know, and you know what the word tells you to believe but yet you still can’t find the comfort in those words (and many times do not WANT comfort in His words). And then people telling you how strong you are…while it is a compliment you almost want to scream back “NO I’m not strong, I’m falling apart on the inside…is this what you call strong, I don’t want to be strong” and there you go with the internal tantrum again. See I know, I totally hear what you are saying. The only thing I can say and I can promise you…is that this too will pass, and it WILL get better. Take this entire journey one day at a time to help with the rollercoaster feelings. Focus on the now, and eventually you will look forward to the future. But for now, just focus on today. This is all part of the process of working through the emotions and IT SUCKS but trust it will get better and it will get easier (and I already know what you are thinking…”I don’t want to get used to not having him in my life” or “I don’t want it to get easier, I just want my life back”). Oh and talk to people when you want to talk, and when you don’t…don’t. Don’t feel like a fool if your mood changes at the drop of a hat…it happens and guess what, nobody is taking it personally (or they shouldn’t anyway) and everyone will understand. I do anyway 

Katie @ Loves of Life said...

You already know I'm here. To bitch to. Cry to. Yell to. Act crazy to. Because I don't judge you. At all. It's totally normal in this process and I love you all the more. I hate what you're going through. I hate that it's you having to deal with this. No one in the world deserves to feel the pain you have, no one. I'm pissed for you that it's the way it is right now. But you are allowed to feel this. I think even letting yourself feel at all is a big thing. This sucks and it isn't even remotely fair. I'm throwing a tantrum with you sister.

Malin said...

I'm sorry you are hurting. It's the worst feeling. You shouldn't feel bad about sharing it on your blog, everyone will understand, the emotions you go through are completely normal. It just sucks.

Jess said...

I know that crazy feeling. BOY do I know it. Standing on the edge of sanity, infuriated and irrational, and just hurting, and wishing it could just be someone else.

Yeah. It sucks. Hugs.

Ruth Witmer said...

Susan, you have every right to be angry. It sucks! Totally, sucks!! Often, people (me included) feel like they will say the wrong thing so they stay away. They are afraid they will make the hurt worse. It's like a patient who is sick with Cancer and you can't do anything about it, it's not fair that they're suffering, it was not their fault, but they are in pain. People are afraid to visit them fearing the silence. Not being able to find the "right" words. I want you to know that we are here for you, if you just want to scream and shout and throw your tantrum. It's okay with us, we love you and will always love you. Just always remember that, even if we say the wrong things sometimes. We Love you more than you know!!! Mom & Dad

Tatiana said...

You are not crazy hon. You are only deeply hurt, and very much human.
I hate that you had to find out what this pain feels like. It's not fair at all, and no one should have to go through it. There is nothing that anyone can say right now to make the pain go away, but silence and a listening ear can be the best gifts at this time.
I'm sending you lots of hugs, and I'm always here to listen and even talk to if you feel like it.

Brittany Ann said...

I have been there, feeling like I'm throwing a tantrum up to God. It makes you feel guilty on top everything else you're experiencing.

I'm just so sorry. I hate that you're going through this.

Kishah said...

I'm sorry Susan.

I know there are no words to make you feel better. But truly know (that although I don't comment), I have been praying for you. That God may give you the happiness you deserve. This is hard right now, but I am certain that God has a lot of happiness in store for you!

Even though you don't really know me, I am here for you! Email me any time. With much love.

Anonymous said...

Story of my life, everyday.