i have to be honest. hitting publish on that post yesterday wasn't easy. i knew the risk i was taking... giving you a very small glimpse into my raw emotions. being completely real and vulnerable with where i was in that very moment. what you read on my blog is not a full picture of everything that is going on- it's just what i choose to show you at different times. or what i feel like expressing at any given moment.
i know how hard it is to see someone in pain and all you want to do is help and say something that will make them feel better. i've been there. it's awful. we all want to have the magic wand that can make it go away, but the reality is that we can't. if i've learned anything so far it's that people need someone to just sit with them through the pain. to let them just be. i have a dear friend who lets me come over at any hour of the day and who knows she doesn't have to entertain me. sometimes i'll be doing work in the kitchen while she plays with her kids. other times i'll be on her patio reading a book while she gardens. there's no pressure to talk or express feelings unless i desire to. and when i do, she's there to listen and say i'm sorry and give me a hug. that friendship has been a true gift to me in this season. she knows that nothing she says will change my circumstances, so she offers the best gift she can- her presence. the gift of being present in my pain. pulling me out of my isolation and not letting me be left alone. i don't know how i will ever be able to thank her.
i can only hope that as i work through this and hopefully come out stronger on the other side that i will be able to be that kind of friend. one who can say, "my door is always open. if you want to talk, talk. if you don't- well that's ok, too." i think in this crazy, broken, mixed-up world all everyone wants to know is that they aren't alone. the greatest gift we can offer to people is that comfort. this is why i love community. this is why i love MY community. so many loving arms willing to embrace me despite the tear-stains i leave on their shirts. who don't get upset that i'm still crying about this, but instead tell me to take as long as i need. who remind me that i'm grieving a loss. that it's ok if i wake up and have no motivation. to stop striving to perform and trying to repress the pain. to let myself be present in my emotions.
such a gift. and there is gratitude in my heart today- especially for that.